


K9

by Hiver_Frost_Elf



Series: Fauna Saga [3]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Canonical Child Abuse, Dogs, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Flashbacks, Food, Friendship, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Hugs, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, It Makes Sense In Context, Lilo & Stitch - Freeform, LoT fic written by someone who hates LoT, Mick & Sara drunk off their asses, Mick's blood alcohol level is slightly more important cuz he narrates, Multi, Music, Nerdiness, Not Canon Compliant, POV Alternating, POV Hermey Ellen, POV Mick Rory, POV Rip Hunter, Prison, Self Confidence Issues, Shapeshifting, Siblings, Singing, Snacks & Snack Food, Team as Family, Time Travel, Torture, Underage Drinking, Whoathon, it's not underage in the time period they're in, probably either teen or mature, sort of, that quote from Legend of Zelda we all hate, the character in question takes one sip and hates it so is it really a sin?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-19
Updated: 2017-03-19
Packaged: 2018-10-07 06:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 33,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10353834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hiver_Frost_Elf/pseuds/Hiver_Frost_Elf
Summary: There’s no one who can summarize this chaos.Psst. What about a flute-bustin’ Prussian?Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!I'm Frederick the Great!HFE borrowed me from ERB to give you the scoop on Fauna Saga 3!It’s got creative talent and battle malice!Don’t miss Time Pirates in Agrabah Palace!Hunter's fucked up, but no wonder why!His order’s content to let his family die!All of his recruits are super fly.They’ll kick Vandal’s ass and make ‘im cry!Now, bring me my chair!I’m weary, so I’ll rest my hot derrière on this fluffy red square.Read on if you like what you hear so far.I will myself once I out-rap a tsar!





	1. Losers of Tomorrow, Today, & Yesterday

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome, oldcomers & newcomers! If this is your first foray into an HFE fic, here's what you need to know to read this one.
> 
> This is an AU where Rip recruits the Legends during Flash season 3. Since 90% of my Arrow knowledge comes from fanfiction, TV Tropes, and the arrowverse wiki--the other 10% coming from new episodes I only half pay attention to--let's just assume Arrow happened as depicted in canon unless stated otherwise.
> 
> Hermey's an original character who debuted in Catwave. She also showed up in Walleye West. You shouldn't need to read the rest of the series to understand this fic.
> 
> Canon and sanity don't happen when I write words, so if you're looking for those, do yourselves a favor and move on along. I also reference a lot of stuff. Some of that stuff comes with hyperlinks. I write down 99% of what I do because I find it amusing or adorable, so if cuteness and humor trigger you, don't read this fic.
> 
> I don't like Legends of Tomorrow--just being honest here. I haven't even watched all of one season, and I don't plan to. I've disliked it ever since Martin drugged Jax onboard. Legends of Tomorrow isn’t Doctor Who, but it definitely isn’t A-Team!  Thus, everyone in this fic chose to board the Waverider willingly with a sober mind. Also, I'm not anti Jax, I'm anti killing off Ronnie; hence, why Jax will not be joining us. Ray's not here either.
> 
> Okay, I think you're all set now. Good luck. If you think of anything else y'all should know, leave a comment bitte und danke :)

Which misfit dared to utter, “It’s bigger on the inside”!?

Rip looked around at his menagerie and spotted Ellen’s jaw clicking shut and Snart and Rory snickering.  The latter two were going to be wild cards—would most likely steal all of time and space in addition to saving it.  Professor Stein and Lance would be indebted to him after a pit stop to save the other half of FIRESTORM and her sister, respectively.  Saunders and Hall were required to kill Savage.  Ellen was tame already; whatever trouble she caused would likely be a minor inconvenience at best compared to the pandemonium stirred by these other lunatics.

High heels dashed these hopes when they pounded across the _Waverider_.  Caitlin Snow locked onto Ellen and calmly exploded, “You were just going to leave without telling us???”

“Miss Lance is leaving without telling Team Arrow!” Ellen argued, pointing to Lance who flashed guilt before resettling into amusement at the proceedings.

“Yes, well, we’re not Team Arrow; we’re Team Flash, and we don’t just run off on our own.  We’re a team for a reason.  If one of us is going, we’re all going.”

“The _Waverider_ isn’t equipped to take on this many passengers!” Rip did his best to shut down this nonsense.

“Fine,” huffed Snow. “Then just I’ll come.”

Thus, Rip was cornered into explaining that some folks were more important to the timeline than others.  If Snow was furious before, she was outraged now.  She pulled Ellen aside.  Ellen reappeared with a book-shaped birthday present tucked under her arm.  Snow then demanded the attention of the most responsible people onboard… Snart and Rory, for some strange reason.  Whatever. Rip could always watch the proceedings later.

They rescued Raymond first for Professor Stein’s sake and then the elder Lance.  Stein breathed easy again and updated Raymond on how their team had been doing.  Raymond acquainted himself with the newbie before getting lost admiring the _Waverider_ ’s architecture.  The Lances were caught up in reconnecting with each other to pay much attention to anyone else outside of missions.  Saunders and Hall spent their downtime dodging discussions of their past lives, love or otherwise.  Professor Stein debated the theories behind time travel with Rip after he recovered the health he’d lost due to Raymond’s retconned death.  Rory and Snart presumably stashed their ill-gotten gains around alcoves all over the ship.

Rip relaxed.  This was actually proceeding without squabbles, disruptions, or prank wars! Whoo-hoo!

Gideon charted a course for St. Roch, 1975.  Rip benched Snart, Rory, White Canary, and Ellen because he didn’t need anything stolen or killed; nor did he need to give Nice Peter and EpicLLOYD additional inspiration.  Saunders talked him into inviting Professor Boardman onboard. Fine.  After all, this mission was intended to rescue his family.  Why shouldn’t it rescue others’ family members as well???

Rip made a call out to his benched minions because naturally, benching them only ensured that they’d go out causing chaos.  The group walked in on Ellen performing something ghastly.  The others continued escorting Professor Boardman to the medical bay while Rip lectured her on the dangers of affecting the timeline.  He’d just managed to urge her to return it when Snart, Rory, and White Canary waltzed in leaning on each other and sporting bruises.  Rip turned around when Snart spoke, “No textbook, historian, or activist has ever claimed that a violin from Louisiana circa 1975 is pivotal to world peace and harmony.”

“ _Yagottalaxa bit, Riiiiiiiiiip,_ ” Rory burped while pulling Ellen in for a noogie. “ _....Quit pickinon Mozrrr._ ”

“Don’t let cranky ol’ Captain Not Doctor push you around!” White Canary playfully punch-tapped Ellen when Rory released the latter. “You are WOMAN!  You must ROARRRRRR!!!”

Rip wiped his face with his hands and exhaled frustration.  One soon-to-be hungover henchman was bad enough, but three??? Wonderful!

_Earlier that day...._

“Look me in the eye and tell me why you want to go,” Cait folded her arms and gave Hermey _a look_.  It was the same _a look_ Detective West gave to Wally, Iris, Barry, Cisco, or HR when they were about to do something Brain Dead Stupid™.  The first time Hermey witnessed it was when Wally introduced her to Chris Rock via [How to Not Get Your Ass Kicked by the Police](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj0mtxXEGE8).

It also reminded Hermey of the _a look_ her manager gave her for arriving marginally sick.  She was just sleepy, chilly, and had a headache: nothing she couldn’t work with!  Nevertheless, her manager called Detective West _on his day off_ to drag her out the station.

Well, okay _mayyyybe_ Detective West didn’t so much drag her out as carry her out because _mayyyybe_ she was lethargic, cold, and had a migraine.  Again, not the end of the universe, just minor inconveniences.

_You also couldn’t tell the difference between the floor and the ceiling.  You told Joe before slumping back onto the bench, “Whoa, gravity’s reversed....  Call the team! ‘Verz Fascist back....”_

Wally now had a reliable white friend to grab whenever he went out driving.  And Hermey was hardly ever mad at anybody, so he didn’t have to worry about her claiming he had weed if they were ever stopped.  Wally wouldn’t get his ass kicked by the police on her watch!

_Wally won’t get his ass kicked by the police anyway cuz his dad **is** the police, ya dope!  Have you ever seen another cop besides Joe and Singh? No!  The others are just condiments; therefore, everyone at CCPD who might pull him over recognizes him enough to leave his ass alone._

Hermey scrabbled some words together, “Captain Hunter lost his family.  I know what he’s going through, and it’s not healthy to face that kind of pain alone.”

Cait’s _a look_ hardened into scrunched lips and a squint.  Hermey was used to seeing scrunched lips and squints whenever she mentioned them.  What’s not to like about a couple of veterinarians???  They healed puppies and kittens! And hamsters! And some snakes! And a whole flock of birds one time!

_If Lab Coat and Beads were so great, why wouldn’t you use this not TARDIS to save them???_

Lots of folks have lost and lose their parents every day.  It wouldn’t be fair to them to go back and save hers just because Hermey had connections.

Cait then handed Hermey a book-shaped birthday present with a smile, “Here. We were going to give this to you tomorrow, but you’re since you’re not going to be here....”

“The _Waverider_ is a timeship,” Hermey argued. “Captain Hunter can just drop us off five minutes after we leave!  You won’t have enough time to miss me!”

“Five minutes is plenty of time to miss someone,” Cait grounded Hermey’s shoulder and spoke from experience. “Tell Ronnie I love him.”

“I will! Bye, Cait!”

“We’re not done yet,” she rolled her eyes and grabbed her again. “Listen, Captain Hunter may have good intentions, but the road to Hell is paved with them.  I don’t think he has a lot of experience leading an eclectic group of people; Snart and Rory do, so if they give you a different order than him, obey Snart and Rory’s.” Hermey had half a protest on her tongue before Cait added, “I know their bad ideas can be just as bad as anyone else’s, but generally speaking, even their bad ideas at least let the rest of the Rogues escape.” She released her friend to march towards her other goal, “Snart! Rory! You’re the most responsible people onboard; get over here!”

Len and Mick knew there was no wriggling out of this one.  Ellen wheeled Stein into the medical bay, speedily sneaking down the hall and riding the back as if it was a grocery store cart.  Her stealth was ruined by her cheers of “Wheeeeeee!”

The men joined Snow in a room which was laid out like an armory: lots of shelves and weapon racks.  At least Mick hoped they were weapon racks, otherwise _ouch_ >;)

“For this exercise, close your eyes and imagine an eight-year-old Lisa,” said Snow. “Now imagine her toddling off to help a mad man in a box with a bunch of near strangers: none of whom have any clue how to work and live together except for a couple of criminals.”

“Stein ain’t a near stranger,” Mick argued.

“Martin’s been too ill to participate in group activities,” Snow shot him down sadly. “Frankly, as his primary physician, I have half a mind to ban him from going altogether.”

“Ellen isn’t eight years old,” Len dared to remind her, “and you’re not sending her off to school.”

Snow frosted the lapels on Cold’s parka. “Many good people died when the particle accelerator exploded; her mothers weren’t good people.” She released Cold. “Nobody beats Lewis in a Battle of the Bitches, but _even her manager is glad they’re gone._ ” Her eyes flared white. “Hermey is our Lisa, and Hunter just told her she’s not important!  If you had any idea how hard we’ve worked to convince her that’s not true just to see some insensitive psycho tear it all apart, you’d freeze his ass off and burn his corpse!!!  If you don’t return her safe, healthy, and happy; you will not be safe, healthy, and happy—do I make myself clear!?!”

“As ice,” Len couldn’t resist smirking.  All Snow perceived was uppity insolence, yet Mick caught concern in his husband’s eyes.

Mick was too busy fuming about being a cat to think about it at the time, but the first time Ellen—a rookie who’d cobbled her costume together from an iParty and a yard sale—skipped into their life, one of the first things out of her mouth was, “This guy’s owners are huge Flash fans; wanna come along???  They’ll flip that their favorite hero found ‘im!”

....She was willing to let Flash take the credit for _her_ search and rescue.  There’s a difference between a hero and a doormat, and apparently her friends hadn’t succeeded where her parents failed.

When Hunter benched Ellen during Raymond’s rescue, alright fine.  Shapeshifting wasn’t exactly useful in pulling someone out of a singularity.  Plus, who knows where she was that day.  The last thing they needed was a flashback to debris crushing a humane society’s worth of furry babies while trying to unravel gravitational tendrils from a nuke.  Although Raymond’s surprised tears upon her telling him Snow loves him was one of the cutest things ever.

When Hunter benched Ellen again… okay.  They needed to get in, grab Black, and get out—a speedster she ain’t.

But when Hunter benched them from the class field trip to research Savage??? Hell no!  _Everybody_ needed info on their enemy.

It went down like this.  Hunter called for volunteers to brief the class on the Seventies.  Hunter shot Stein down since he’d lived in ‘em.  Did Hunter forget to eat his Wheaties???  That’s like keeping Fire types from fighting Grass-Bug types.  Hunter may have selected this team for their strengths, but he had no clue how to play to them.

The room couldn’t have been any more comically quiet if crickets were chirping in the background.

So Ellen snaked her hand up and admitted, “All I know about history comes from—”

She busted out a tablet which snarled, “[ **Epic Rap Battles of History! Captain Cold! Versus! Heatwaaaaaaave! Begin!!!**](http://archiveofourown.org/works/8652769/chapters/22312025)”

Raymond and the Canaries keeled over laughing.  Len and Mick listened on in befuddled amusment.  EpicLLOYD as Mick was spot on!  Ellen cranked up the volume until Hunter tried to rerail the meeting, to which Ellen paused the video and countered, “The 70s’ll still be there after the three minutes it takes us to listen to an ERB.  Think of it as our first teambuilding activity!” Ellen faced Len and Mick. “Unless the rappers in question have any objections???”

“Hit it, kid,” Len nodded and he and Mick shared a look.  Ellen winced at them like she expected to receive their guns at her head instead of their permission.  If Mick heard any installment of Hitler Versus Vader ever again, it’d be too soon.  Heaven help Mick if Len ever discovered the existence of Deadpool Versus Boba Fett!  God, Len needed a patch for his Star Whatever obsession.

 _“Wars! Star Wars, Mick!  Star Wars has wars in it!  Star Trek has treks in it!  I don’t know how you keep messing this up!”_ _Len also didn’t know how hot he was when he nerd-raged._

Golden Glider ended up butting in just like her real life counterpart often did.  Mick’s only objection to the performance was that Cold’s actor did not embody Len’s body accurately.  Len poked him in the ribs while the rest of the table—minus unamused Hunter, resigned Stein, and confused Ellen—snickered like high schoolers.  Maybe Snow really did send Ellen off to school.

So none of ‘em—except Stein and omniscient Hunter—knew anything about the Seventies, but Hunter benched Ellen for being the loudest about it and Len and Mick and White for… being criminals?  Isn’t that what he hired them for???

It didn’t take long for the older trio to get bored.  Thankfully, White suggested, “Let’s go out drinking!”

Mick grunted his agreement.  Len looked back at the youngster, “Coming, Ellen?”

Ellen looked up from a book as lost as a kid who hadn’t been paying attention in class.  Mick explained that they were going out for a beer, and if they were lucky, a brawl.  Hermey shook her head and returned to reading, “I’m underage.”

“Not in 1975 Louisiana,” Len told her.  He and Mick wore twin smirks.  White squinted with befuddlement until Len promised they wouldn’t let Ellen get drunk.

They could hear Ellen’s internal monologue reminding her that Hunter told them all to stay put.  She slid out of her seat and set her book on it before following them hyper alert, waiting for an AT-AT to storm in lasers a-blazing.

They got to a rustic joint—which in a culinary setting means they were at a dump—perfect for their purposes.  Mick ordered drinks.  They decided that since Ellen was 90% legal, she could have 90% of a drink, so Mick poured the remaining 10% into his.  Glasses clinked, and then the foursome drank.  Ellen almost broke hers to get it as far away from her as possible, “It tastes like soggy fruit loops in water from my apartment!”

“....How do you know what that tastes like?” wondered White.

Mick down a gulp’s worth of the rejected drink before asking, “What kinda water you got atchur apartment???” It was a good vintage—just not suited for a hot chocolate connoisseur.

“Alright, alright, alright—enough of the pre-game, time for first period.” White snickered at Len’s hockey sensibilities bleeding into his speech.  He leaned in conspiratorially towards Ellen and pointed out a snoozing loser with his slate eyes, “See that guy over there?” Ellen nodded. “He’s wasted, and he’s gotta wallet in his back left pocket; go grab it.” He pushed her out of the booth and sent her out into the rink of alcoholics as if she was a puck. “Nobody’s looking—gogogo!”

Ellen started out like a puppy on ice before recovering into a glide and sliding the loser’s wallet into her grasp and letting her sleeve fall loose.  White and Mick hailed the conquering hero while Len smirked victoriously.  Nothing empowered someone like pulling off a successful heist!  Ellen pointed her gaze at her hand before looking back up at Len—carefully keeping the wallet hidden, “What do I do with it, sir?”

“Ditch the cards and spend the cash.”

“Spend it where?”

“There’s a candy shop across the street.”

“Who opens a candy shop across the street from a bar!?”

“Saints & Sinners is next-door neighbors with a redneck boutique.”

“Kyle’s ain’t a redneck boutique!” Mick protested.

“It stocks apparel in three colors: foliage, flannel, and breast cancer awareness pink,” countered Len.  White took a shot every time the men switched off.  Ellen must’ve slipped out by the time a brawl began because they didn’t notice anybody becoming beasts.

A violin caught her eye before she reached the candy shop.  She had no clue how much violins cost in 1975, but if they were a fraction as expensive as they were present day, no way in hell could she afford a kazoo.

Hermey’s jaw unhinged when she spotted someone stirring inside, “Mr. Rory???”

A wind chime crackled as he opened the door for her and tucked an _out to lunch_ sign away.  The sharply-dressed man didn’t have a burn on him or a 5 o’clock shadow.

Hermey hung her head low, “I’m sorry, sir.”

“No need to apologize, ma’am, it ain’t your fault I look so much like your brother.”

“He’s not my brother; my brother’s off on his own adventure,” it was Hermey’s turn to chuckle. “There’s a whole bunch of us traveling together: Captain Hunter, Professor Stein, older Miss Lance, younger Miss Lance, Miss Saunders, Mr. Hall, Mr. Snart, Mr. Rory, Mr. Raymond, and me!”

“Good. Everybody needs to get outside their city—outside their country, if they can,” Mr. Rory(?) chuffed amiably as he took the violin, its case, and bow out of the window and set it on the counter beside the cash register. “Take this little guy: comes all the way over from Italy.  His last owner couldn’t get his gamblin’ under control,” Mr. Rory(?) snorted with a mischievous glint in his eye before warming up for Hermey. “Brought ‘im here to find ‘im a better family.  30 bucks to take ‘im home.”

Sure, there were shinier, newer instruments in the shop, but this elder was the most beautiful one of all: distinguished by wisdom.  Dutiful strings stood at a attention, its varnish shined modestly, and burgundy velvet lined its case.

“But he’s worth way more than 30 dollars!”

“So are you.”

Hermey tilted her head off to the side.  Mr. Rory(?) nodded.  Hermey peeked into the wallet and discovered exactly 30 bucks.  She slapped the cash into Mr. Rory(?)’s hand before she could regret it.  He rang up a receipt and set the violin in the case like a baby in a cradle.  Hermey beamed before darting back to the _Waverider_.  She spun around to wave, “Bye, Mr. Rory!”

Mr. Rory(?) smirked and chuckled too softly for her to hear him, “Travel safely, Cub.”

Miss Gideon extended the ramp for Hermey.  She informed her once she scrambled into the bridge, “Congratulations, Miss Ellen, you are the first Legend to return.”

As the second-slowest kid in gym class on a good day, this tidbit filled her with glee.  Her feet thumped against the floor like a supersonic rabbit.  She calmed enough to exchange pleasantries, “How are you, Miss Gideon?”

“I am functioning within normal parameters....  You have acquired a violin.”

Hermey introduced her partner as a flute-bustin’ Prussian.  She danced like a kid frolicking in fresh snow on Christmas; she didn’t stick in one place for long.

_([Old Fritz](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVbH1BVXywY)! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! _

_Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz! Old Fritz!)_

_I'm Frederick the Great! Out the gate, first servant of state!_

_Oblique attack tactics ain't exactly straight!_

_I've got creative talents and battle malice!_

_Hard as steel on the field, genteel in the pala—_

“Please tell me this isn’t how you intend to study for future missions,” groaned Hunter.  Never mind the dying dude Skirt Hawk and Kilt Hawk were half-carrying because obviously, confiscating contraband was more important. “Where did you acquire that???  Every minute detail we change can potentially wreak havoc on the timeline!  You must return this at once.”

Mozart deflated just like Lisa did when good-for-nothing Lewis declared that her ice skating lessons were a waste of time since she’d never become a gold medal contender anyway.  All Hunter perceived was uppity insolence, yet Mick caught ice in his husband’s eyes, “No textbook, historian, or activist has ever claimed that a violin from Louisiana circa 1975 is pivotal to world peace and harmony.”

“Yagottalaxa bit, Riiiiiiiiiip,” Mick burped while pulling Mozart in for a noogie. “....Quit pickinon Mozrrr.”

“Don’t let cranky ol’ Captain Not Doctor push you around!” White playfully punch-tapped Mozart when Mick released the latter. “You are WOMAN!  You must ROARRRRRR!!!”

Not Doctor wiped his face with his hands and exhaled frustration before finally leaving.  Len smirked at Mozart, “That doesn’t look like candy, Ellen.”

“I’m sorry, sir,” No personality sparked in her eyes.  Her voice did a 180.  Luckily, Len possessed 15 ranks in Hearing Quiet Folks. “I didn’t have my violin with me when Captain Hunter recruited us, so I bought this one to replace it....”

“Kid, the whole point was to treat yourself for a job well done.  If you like violins better than candy, then I’m glad you bought a violin instead.”

“Lins laz longer!” Mick hiccupped with White bobbing in agreement.

“And call me Len.”

“....You can’t call an adult by their first name; that’s rude!”

Well, at least she’d rebooted.

“Look, I know we keep calling you ‘kid’, but legally, you’re an adult.”

“That’s like saying _The Phantom Menace_ and _A New Hope_ are both Star Wars movies! No!” Mozart ruffled up and twitched. “You own the building you live in, you can drive, and when the government gets your taxes, they’re like ‘Whoo-hoo! Marshmallow party on Capital Hill!’  When the government gets my taxes, they’re like ‘We can buy a packet of hot chocolate… to share.’”

This kid was too funny!  Maybe Team Flash would consider joint custody—kinda like how the Gallery loaned out Hart when they needed more science.

Wait, what was that about driving?

“I’ve lived in Central all my life; why would I need to know how to drive???”

Gears sloshed through the alcohol in Mick’s brain like a rusty watermill.  It took a few tries to reach her head. So fluffy.... “Whenner done withis” hiccup-burp: extra gassy “I’m teachinya howtuh drive juzzike I learned,” Mick clamped her shoulders and shot her his most authoritative gaze. “Setting you on a tractor inda middle uhva big ol’ fee-uld—nothin’ around ‘cept grass for days—‘til you’re good tuh go on high speed.”

Mozart tilted her head—so fluffy—off to the side and blinked up at him.  She looked at Len.  No bailin’ outta this!  Nothing beat the freedom of deciding one’s journey from start to finish.

Len tugged him into the hall away from the fluffy! Nooooooooo! “Time to lay down, Sparky.”

“Nah it ain’t!” In retrospect, maybe Len was right. Asshole. “It ain’t even dark o’clock!”

“We’ve had a long day today, and we’ll have a longer day tomorrow,” Len tugged him harder.

Mick reached out towards the fluffy.  His flailing limb came up a foot short, “But the fluffy!”

“I think you miss being a cat more you care to admit.”

Why the hell did White fall over???  Damn! That woman’s gotta creepyass laugh.

“You can pet the fluffy tomorrow,” Len tugged him harder. “Tonight, you need to sleep.”

Mick belted out a yowling whine as the fluffy vanished from sight.

 


	2. Emerald Chaos & Fiduciary Banks

Rip only took Black Canary with him to sabotage Savage’s finances.  He couldn’t risk Savage recognizing the Hawks; and their child, Ellen, and both halves of FIRESTORM possessed no experience infiltrating high-security installations.  Good grief, what was the point of recruiting a couple of robbers and an assassin if none of them were going to be functional long enough to rob and assassinate!?  At least they all showed up in time to assist them in freeing themselves from Savage’s clutches.

Savage… who now knew the names of Rip’s wife and son....  Goddammit, how could Rip have made such a catastrophic slip up???

“Mr. Savage would’ve learned your family’s names anyway, sir, from his own research if not from you.  It’s what the Doctor would call a fixed point,” Rip batted away Ellen’s attempts to comfort him.  He slammed the button to close the door to his quarters and fumed for the rest of the evening.

_Earlier that day...._

Len and Mick sniffed out enough pancakes to feed a platoon of Navy SEALS.  A griddle sizzled with productivity, flour dusted the room, and a spatula whipped more batter into shape.

Mick winced when the chef snarled at his wandering hands, “Those are the gluten free pancakes for Miss Saunders!”

Len chuckled when Mick finally saw a nifty little notecard _can’t touch this_.  He looked back up at Mozart, who directed him to an array of edible pillows.

“Damn, you wake up early, kid,” Mick massaged his temple as he hunkered down with a cup of black coffee fresh out of the pot.  A stack of strawberry pillows perched in front of him with maple syrup drizzling off the sides crowned with a wreath of whipped cream.  Bacon leaned against it like a cord of firewood.  Len sat next to him with blueberry pancakes and a pool of maple syrup.  Knowing Len, he’d end up with exactly no more and no less than what he needed to sufficiently flavor his pillows.

Skirt Hawk, Kilt Hawk, and Hawkling waltzed in next.  Kilt grabbed plain pancakes and a banana, Hawkling smiled upon the peach pancakes tasting _just like Mom used to make_ , and Skirt expressed her gratitude via an engulfing hug.

White and Black fought over the last of the strawberry pancakes.  Their eyes bloated and their fists paused mid-strangle upon Mozart plopping another batch in front of them.

Stein claimed a mix of plain and blueberry pancakes topped with a tulip of whipped cream.  Raymond drowned his peach pancakes in syrup.

“Where the hell’s Not Doctor at???” Mick eventually asked what the rest were all thinking.

Gideon’s stale, formal voice informed them, “Captain Hunter is currently in his office planning today’s assignment.”

Mozart flicked off the griddle and finally sat down at the edge with her own stack.  Mick wasn’t sure since he didn’t know her tastes, but it looked like she picked hers based on which ones nobody else wanted.  However, if she was any more generous with the whipped cream, she would’ve doubled her stack’s height with the stuff.

“How did our fine captain obtain his caustic moniker?” asked Hawkling.

“Well, younger Miss Lance was drunk at—”

Milk dribbled out of White’s nose when Black asked, “So wait, if Sara’s younger Miss Lance, does make me older Miss Lance???”

“Yep!”

White keeled over cackling.  Folks wondered if her brain was becoming oxygen-deprived.  Black looked down upon her sister when she—her hair a tangle of blonde chaos—crawled back into her seat.  The table was essentially a long, heavy-duty cafeteria table: crumbly benches and all.

“Hermey, listen, baby, I know we’re all at least what? Five years older than you, but please at least use _our_ first names,” Black snapped her fingers between herself and her sister.  White’s laughter was finally dying down with the last of her breath.

Mozart ducked her head, “I… kinda forgot your first names.  I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, babe, there’s a ton of names to remember around here!” Black waved her off with a smile before flourishing her hand at Hawkling. “We just gotta new one yesterday.”

“You could always just make up nicknames,” Mick nudged Mozart’s shoulder. “S’what I do.”

Raymond admitted that Skirt and Kilt’s names slipped his mind, and Hawkling knew pretty much nobody except Not Doctor and his parents, so the group decided to go around the table throwing out names and an icebreaker.  Len’s earned eye rolls _I once robbed our neighbors because we were out of milk, and I didn’t want to drive all the way out to the store_ , Kilt’s inspired awe _Five of my incarnations have been knighted—two by the same ruler_ , and Skirt’s ignited curiosity _I learned how to surf in Hawaii_.

“I won a free trip from trivia night at Jitters,” Skirt beamed with her nose up and eyes closed proudly. “Turns out, I know more about Dusto the Superdog than anybody else!”

Mozart choked on her current bite, “Wait, what???”

“Dusto the Superdog; it’s a radio show—on your station, actually!”

“....I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh my god, you’re the narrator!?  I’ve been listening since day one!  How long have you been doing it?”

“Um… since day one,” Mozart shrugged. “My mothers brought me along to the station—they were there to negotiate commercial prices—when tech support couldn’t support their tech fast enough before the commercials ended.  The lady who eventually became my manager—she was a host at the time—asked me for a topic, so I said Dustin Otis.  She asked about ‘im, and then the commercials ended, so that became episode one.”

“Wait, wait, wait, so Dusto’s a real dog?”

“Yep! He doesn’t have superpowers like he does on the show, but he time travels with my brother.”

Len was this close to asking Gideon to perform a clandestine medical scan because Hermey was an only child.

“Chronos says it takes more than blood to make a family.  He taught me how to make pancakes when Mama left to help Ma with an emergency at their clinic, so every time I make pancakes, I think of him,” Mozart hummed with fondness. “My first pancakes were terrible: one was burnt all over and the other became the world’s fluffiest omelet.”

“....Hermey, how old were you when you met Chronos???” asked Raymond.  Concern darkened the room like burgundy curtains.

“Seven and a half!” This was all totally normal; nothing to see here! “He came a minute after Mama left and left a minute before Mama came home.  Then he found Dusto a year later when my neighbor lost him.”

Mozart set her dishes into a sci-fi dishwasher before dealing with the pancake factory.  Folks blinked.  Gazes darted to and fro.  Nobody wished to shatter the silence festooned around the room.

“Have you ever you ever added bananas to your peach pancakes?” Mick volunteered as tribute.

“That’s Chronos’s favorite!” Mozart beamed as she stashed the leftovers in Tupperware.  Plastic rattled and her eyebrows knitted together while she played Tetris with the refrigerator.

“Your brother has good taste.  I’d say invite ‘im along ‘cept we’ve run out of seats on the bridge.”

“That’s a good idea, sir!” Mozart whipped around once she won her game of Tetris. “He can always just follow along in his jumpship.”

“Is that his Not TARDIS?”

“Yeah basically.  If a timeship is _Voyager_ , then a jumpship would be the _Delta Flyer_.  We don’t have a jumpship because Miss Gideon says the last person who used it didn’t bring it back before Captain Hunter stole the _Waverider_ from the Time Masters.  That’s why the cargo bay feels empty.”

Just then, Not Doctor waltzed in finishing off a pathetic granola bar and tapped Black for an assignment.

“Go kick ass, sis!” White sent her off with a cheer.  Mozart also wished them good luck.  Apparently, they didn’t need to time travel for this mission because Not Doctor didn’t tell them to assemble on the bridge.  However, Len waggled Not Doctor’s keys with a gleam in his eyes.  Skirt, Kilt, and Mozart headed off to the bridge before the rest because they finished breakfast first.

Before Mick and Len rose out of their seats, Stein voiced his concern, “Are you sure we should be enabling this Chronos fantasy?”

Len and Mick conversed via magical eyeballs.  Len said, “If we told you that bricks are soft, you wouldn’t believe us because you believe that bricks are hard.”

“Besides, if her coping mechanism for her shitty mothers leaving her alone for hours on end and her dumbass neighbor losing her dog is a time-traveling older brother, I say let her have it,” Mick fired up. “She could’ve become a pyromaniac!”

“Or an OCPD thief,” Len tossed in.

“Or a kickass assassin!” White grinned with creepily sharp fangs.

“Or a fanfic writer....” fumed Raymond.

“....There’s nothing wrong with writing fanfiction, Ronald,” Stein assured him.

“YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE THINGS I’VE SPAAAAAAAWWWWWNED!!!” Raymond hissed before plunking his head on the table.  Stein patted Raymond’s back awkwardly while Raymond’s insecurities conquered Stein’s brain.  White asked what site he used, and within seconds, Mallard_Stoppable gained his 843rd subscriber.  Let Atomic Piper rise!!!

“Also, our _time-traveling_ crew includes a would’ve-been-dead man, three resurrected people—one of whom combines with another man to become a warhead—two reincarnating Egyptian deities, a young person who can change creatures and other creatures, and two thieves who intend to better one of their childhoods,” Hawkling reminded them as they finally departed from the galley. “How do we know Chronos is fiction?  I would’ve died had you all not intervened; perhaps Chronos’s existence can also be attributed to our shenanigans.”

“If that’s the case, that would explain why Captain Hunter cannot recruit him,” Stein joined the chronobabble with the enthusiasm of a scientist. “Any interference on his part would disrupt if not disintegrate his timeline.  Our present may collide with his past.”

“Kinda like the Doctor and River Song in _Silence in the Library_ and _Forest of the Dead_!” proposed Raymond.  White agreed with a clap across his shoulders, humming that they were definitely introducing Hawkling to the series.  The youngsters began debating must-watch and favorite episodes with gusto.  Mozart chimed in with her playlist when they entered.

It took a bit of shuffling, but on day one, apparently, she and Not Doctor inserted seats between White & Mick’s and Raymond & what was formerly Kilt’s.  Hawkling, naturally, sat between his parents while White claimed Hermey as far back as day one.  Len took the edge seat because he was as prickly as a porcupine when it came to contact from folks he wasn’t family-level comfortable with, so Mick sat between him and Mozart.  Black would’ve bordered her sister on an edge seat if she was here.  Stein sat on an edge seat next to Raymond, who nestled between him and Kilt.  Skirt sat on an edge seat next to Hawkling.  Normally, Not Doctor sat up front.

It then occurred to everyone that none of them knew how to fly a timeship.  Gideon offered to pilot it; however, she warned them that the ride would be rockier.  Lightbulbs turned on in Mozart’s head before she scrambled into Not Doctor’s seat and asked Len where they were headed.

“You don’t know how to drive, yet you know how to fly???” One of Len’s eyebrow’s quirked up after giving her the keys and the date of when Lewis stole the Maximillian Emerald.  Lewis would’ve never landed on anyone’s top 100 fathers list, but he never physically harmed his kids—Lisa wasn’t born yet, but still—before his first stint in prison.

“Chronos says I didn’t know how to drive when we met,” Mozart explained as she clacked away at the keyboard, “but he figured knowing how to fly a timeship was fair game.” She double-checked that everyone was strapped in before cautiously rolling a throttle forwards.  Speed lines outside the window gave way to a spring morning: damp green grass, chilly air, and a foggy sky.  Gideon opened the door and unloaded the ramp.  Before Len and Mick left, Mozart gave them a crash course on chronophysics, “The number one rule of time travel is go to the bathroom before you leave, because more often than not, the local bathrooms will be filthy—assuming wherever you’re visiting has bathrooms at all.  The number two rule of time travel is you can’t interfere with events you’ve already participated in.  You can go back and watch your past self participate in them, but you’ll have to live with whatever changes you make.  You won’t notice them because you’ll think your life’s always been this way, so be prepared for an inquisition when you come back.  Travel safely!”

Miss Gideon directed those who remained onboard to the library/theater: the only carpeted room on the ship.  Hermey sat criss-cross applesauce on the floor in front of Sara and Ronnie.  Kenny, and Carter filled out the rest of the sofa.  Professor Stein and Professor Boardman sat off to the side in poufy armchairs with boho-chic teardrops.

Hermey LOVED ‘A Christmas Carol’ because it featured “the most haunting Ghost of Christmas Future.”

“So you’re _A Christmas Carol_ connoisseur, eh?” Professor Boardman chuckled with his hands in his lap.  The Doctor’s reincarnating capabilities and adventurous nature reminded him a lot of his parents.

Hermey nodded at him before returning her attention to the screen, “I’ve watched the Muppets’ version, Captain Picard’s version, and a version set in America!  I love Christmas movies!  Christmas is the best holiday ever!”

“Nothing beats shredding wrapping paper, balling it up, and chucking it at your family like it’s a baseball!” Sara glowed with mischievous fondness.

“....I’m one of those shake-up-my-presents-to-figure-out-what-they-are kind of people,” Carter admitted sheepishly.  He smiled warmly at Kenny, whose hand he held, “You’ve always been strict about Christmas presents: no opening them until everyone’s awake on Christmas morning.”

“Ooh boy,” Professor Boardman agreed with a nervous burst of laughter. “I remember sneaking downstairs and unwrapping one the night before.  I’ve never seen an eviler gaze since then.”

Hermey turned to face the group, “You can always get presents for your birthday, but sometimes your birthday falls on weekdays, but pretty much everyone gets a day off on Christmas!  On Christmas, my mothers would listen to me play my violin, and when I finished, they’d smile; they smiled at each other all the time, but on Christmas, they’d smile at me!”

Flattened grins darkened the room  Everyone was wearing that same _a look_ everybody else did whenever Hermey talked to Team Flash or her manager about her parents.

“Stop looking at me like that!!!” Hermey shot up and shouted. “My mothers never hurt me, and they always made sure I had plenty of food to eat!  If you wanna cry about someone’s childhood, cry about Mr. Snart’s!”

Hermey stormed out of the room, grabbed her violin, and locked herself inside the cargo bay.  She climbed up the highest spire of crates, scrunched up tight with her legs dangling, and played an instrumental version of the most emotional song in Mary Poppins after ‘Feed the Birds’.

Len and Mick found most of the others moping in the library/theater.  Lewis was still an asshole.  They might as well have not gone on their stupid little field trip at all!  Finally, Hawkling spoke up, “Having just watched ‘The Fires of Pompeii’, perhaps your father is the personification of a fixed point.  Nothing can change him, but that doesn’t mean nothing around him can change....” He gestured towards their hands. “Take those rings for example.” Simple golden bands; they stole these years ago for their wedding. “You weren’t wearing those when you left—not openly, anyway—although I’m willing to bet you didn’t have them to begin with.”

“Professor Boardman’s observation is correct,” Gideon chimed in. “You did not possess these rings when Captain Hunter recruited you.”

Len and Mick gazed at each other with shock.  Water still glazed Mick’s eyes from Len’s plea to convince Lewis to stay with his family.

_“Your family loves you unconditionally, sir.  That’s a blessing not everybody has; cherish it.”_

Mick spotted a tear in Len’s eye upon realizing that his speech hadn’t affected Lewis, it affected Len.  Golden rings were a terrible consolation prize for a fail o’sucky childhood, but what they represented—a bond as eternal as time—was as priceless as van Gogh’s entire body of work.  Everyone cheered up a notch at that, yet their general mood remained stuck in a dreary melancholy.  Mick asked about Mozart, to which the others looked at each other, hoping some brave soul would volunteer the information so they wouldn’t have to.  Finally, Stein faced Len, “She seems to be under the impression that your trauma invalidates hers.”

Gideon projected a hologram of Mozart as a visual aid and replayed the conversation before reporting her location.  Len and Mick shuffled through the halls and found her perched on some crates.  She stopped playing as soon as she noticed them, hopped down as a goat, transformed back into a human, and awaited orders.

“You don’t have to stand at attention when somebody enters a room, kid,” said Len. “This isn’t the army.”

Right now, Mozart reminded Mick of a knotted hose: wanting to explode yet unable to do so, “Wanna punch me?” Mozart looked up at him like he was crazy. “‘Tween my burns and muscles, I won’t feel a thing.  C’mon, punch me!” Mick opened his stance for a blow to the chest.  All Mozart did was poke him experimentally.  Mick sighed like a teacher would at an underperforming student, “I’ve seen you fight; I know you know how to hurt people, Mozart.  What’s the difference between fighting Heatwave the Rogue and Mick Rory the Legend???”

Mozart flinched and ruffled up.  Finally, Len asked, “You never went through a rebellious teenager stage, did you?”

“What’s to rebel against?” Mozart’s eyebrows knitted together and her head tilted off to the side in confusion. “I’ve always had plenty of food and books and music and a reliable Wi-Fi connection.”

“Hermey, literally every teenager in America has those things yet can’t stand their parents anyway.  It’s about figuring out what you can get away with and how to cross a line or two,” Len made some vague hand gestures before settling them behind his back.  Mozart perked up when Len’s calm, a-bit-like-humming singing voice inflated the room.

[ _You’ve got to grind, grind, grind at that grindstone_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7us8iW5EQM)

_though childhood slips like sand through a sieve._

_All too soon they’ve up and grown,_

_and then they’ve flown;_

_and it’s too late for you to give._

“If you think you’re the only Disney fan onboard this ship, think again.”

“This doofus went out and saw _Frozen_ in theaters five times,” Mick counted off. “Once on opening day, once on opening night, once with Lisa, once with me, and once when the singalong version came out.  We own every movie inside and outside of the Disney Vault.  Hart’s a _Hunchback of Notre Dame_ fanatic, Baez likes _Beauty and Beast_ , Lisa’s crazy about _Tangled_ , Axel’s obsessed with _Mulan_ , and James likes _Toy Story_.  I’m more of a _Dumbo_ fan myself.  We might as well call ourselves the Disney Gallery!” Mick punch-tapped her shoulder. “What’s your favorite, Mozart?”

“ _Lilo & Stitch_,” she chirped. “Nani’s the best Disney princess ever!”

“Really???” Len smirked. “She doesn’t do much throughout the movie, and she’s pretty irresponsible.”

“True,” she quirked up at him, “but she always does her best to spend time with Lilo no matter how busy she is, and she let Lilo keep Stitch.  Chronos is just like her!  Bringing a kid and a puppy all over time ain’t the most responsible thing to do, but he always brought me home safely.”

Okay, if this kid hadn’t made the connection between her Banksesque parents and her Naniesque big brother, then she needed a little nudgin’ in the right direction.

“What does Chronos think your mothers?” Len asked.

“....” Mozart’s lips stitched together and her nose twitched like a rabbit. “Chronos doesn’t like ‘em.  He’s never even met them; nobody’s ever met them—except my manager—yet all anybody ever does is judge ‘em.  Every time I talk about them, people give me _a look_.” Mozart’s imitation looked angry and twisted. “All of my teachers and some of my classmates did it, my manager does it, Team Flash does it, and now everybody here’s doing it too!  I hate it!  Do you know what an _a look_ means???” Mozart was vibrating like a phone getting a million texts a minute. “It means ‘go away, you weirdo’!”

Mick ruffled her hair and exchanging a glance with Len, “Snow fought tooth and nail to keep you in Central; if she wanted you to go away, she’d let you leave without a second thought.  I think means ‘you’re special, and we’re sorry not everybody realizes that’.”

Mozart’s eyeballs centered inward as if Mick had just rendered math obsolete.  Before she got a chance to stew on his words, however, Gideon informed them that Black and Not Doctor needed them to pull a [Big Damn Heroes](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/main/bigdamnheroes) moment.  Everybody rushed to buckle up on the bridge—grabbing the nearest seats available—while Mozart clacked away at the blinking, screaming buttons.  The immediacy of the mission pressured Mozart to ditch a few creature comforts for speed.  She winced as she apologized to the crew as they lurched forward.

They left Hawkling onboard since he had no combat experience.  Guns-and-FIRESTORM-ablazing, staff-and-Canary-Cry-aringing, and several henchmen morphed into crickets later, Not Doctor and Black were officially dug out of the mud they’d buried themselves under.

Not Doctor became especially cranky because apparently, Not Adam Savage knew his family’s names now, so Mozart tried to offer him some advice, “Mr. Savage would’ve learned your family’s names anyway, sir, from his own research if not from you.  It’s what the Doctor would call a fixed point.”

Not Doctor blew her off as if she was a nuisance.  He slammed the button to close the door to his quarters and fumed for the rest of the evening. Good riddance!

....Except now Mozart hunched in on herself and ducked her head low like a kicked puppy.  Goddammit, Not Doctor, what the fuck is your problem!?  We all mess up, ya dumbass; the important thing is, don’t drag everybody down with you—everybody else followin’ you willingly’s fine—and MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE.

“Let’s get back to our Whoathon!” White suggested with a shot in each hand.  Raymond refilled their bowls of munchies: popcorn, M&Ms, and cheese doodles.  Len and Black negotiated their playlists, and Mick joined White’s drinking game.  The technobabble actually made more sense as he got drunker: a Rory trait with origins as far back as Great-Grandpapa Rory.

“Whatcha doin’ on the fllloor?” Mick’s buzzed gaze lasered Mozart.  She chirped a response that either drowned in the alcohol flooding his brain or provided more evidence of her fail o’sucky childhood, so Mick patted the seat next to him. “Get over here.”

Mozart kept at a distance, trying to judge the extent of his invitation.  Len quirked an eyebrow when Mick wreathed his free arm around her to pull her in.  A hankering for physical contact: also a Rory trait with origins as far back as Great-Grandpapa Rory.  With how skittish she was and how goddamn long it took for her to relax, one would think she never received a hug in her life.

Then it finally occurred to Mick that _mayyyybe_ it was cuz Mozart had known him for all of two days, minus the time they spent on opposite sides.  Mick was a lotta things, but a snuggle-rapist wasn’t one of ‘em… or any kinda rapist at all.  Why do thoughts hard to word…?  Is any parta that sentence right???  Damn you, Eleven and your superfluous hand gestures!

Mick got ‘em walking with Len trailing a bit behind, content to referee the proceedings if needed.  Only Mozart’s drawl of a shuffle across the _Waverider_ ’s metallic floor accompanied their journey while Mick’s thoughts worded.

Eventually, Mick opened with, “On a scale of every day to never… how often do y’initiate physical affection???”

“What!?” Hermey would’ve done a spit-take if she’d been drinking.

“I don’t mean sex, kid, Lenny’s got 10 good reasons why this ain’t about that.”

On cue, Len balled his fists.  Lucy van Pelt would approve.

“I mean hugs and stuff.”

“Um… never?  Barry and Iris are married, so that’d be weird; and Wally’s dating Miss Wells-Morgan, and Cisco’s dating Miss Snart, so that would also be weird.”

“So really, all ya got’s Third Wells, Detective West, and Snow.”

“And Ronnie’s back now, so nope for Cait.”

“Mozart, nobody’s gonna give a damn about a hug,” Mick gestured afar off, “and if they do, they can take their jealousy to therapy.” His hands settled on her shoulders. “Listen, I got the mangiest mug of all time; if you can ask me for a hug, you can ask all of your Barbie doll friends for one, too....  It’s not me, is it?”

“No—not at all!” she shook her head and flickered her gaze towards Len before resettling up at Mick.

“No offense, kid, but a few hugs a day won’t disintegrate sixteen years of marriage,” Len assured her. “Ask him for hug, it’s good practice.”

Mozart inched a centimeter forward and stared up at Mick as if he was an iron maiden, “May I have a hug—please?”

Mozart’s initial spike of tension from Mick engulfing her eventually surrendered to tranquility.  Mick pulled away slowly—which she liked better than speed, so he made a note to proceed at an adagio tempo—and told her to stay put while he grabbed something out of his and Len’s quarters.  He handed her a much-loved-and-abused Hello Kitty notebook.  The spirals on both ends were bent, and the cover was hanging on by the middle notches and faith.  It featured the cat in question winking and wearing thick, pink nerd glasses, tons of hearts and rainbows, and the caption, “Purrfect the way I am!”

“You’ll find your homework on the inside cover,” said Len.

Mozart’s incredulous face looked like she was halfway to asking if it was a tutorial on how to lockpick or some other thief-inclined witchcraft, yet she just toddled back to her quarters.  That was fucked up.  Folks should be curious enough and feel free to ask questions.

Len searched Mick’s soul after they locked the door to their quarters.  Mick shucked off his Henley with a bit more force than usual—not enough to call it a proper Rory fury but getting there.

“I take it Rogues Gallery Social Services has taken on another case???” Len cooed cautiously while leaning against the door with his arms folded.

“Raymond’s got Stein, Black’s got White, I have you, the Hawks have each other,” Mick grumbled. “The only other person who doesn’t have somebody here with ‘em is Not Doctor—and no way in hell am I letting Cub mutate into that!”

“You haven’t called anybody ‘Cub’ since Lisa was twelve.”

“Well, she _is_ Team Flash’s Lisa,” Mick stripped to his boxers. “Nah, scratch that; Lisa has always known that no matter how shitty Lewis and some of her exes were, we care about her.  Cub’s more like Hart or Baez when we first got ‘em—but at least they knew how to get angry.  She doesn’t even think her folks ever did anything wrong, Lenny!”

“....I know,” those two words meant so much more _You’re not the only one who’s angry, Sparky_.

“Look, Scarlet and the gang are great, but if they haven’t taught her that it’s okay to ask ‘em for a hug by now, they have failed her as friends,” Mick resumed ranting as he shimmied into his why-are-we-washing-this-instead-of-throwing-it-away schlub tank top.  It had more stains than its original color and more holes than its original fabric.  Len tolerated it only because the last time he complained about Mick’s fashion sense, Mick burned Len’s half of their closet.  Nothing ruins the honeymoon phase faster than borrowing your partner’s clothes for a week.

Len donned his _Frozen_ pajamas: a gag gift from last Christmas.  He turned the tables on James by wearing them often and willingly.  The pants were loose, fuzzy, and patterned with snowflakes.  Elsa smugly conjuring a snowflake in her palm on his long-sleeved tee reminded him of wielding the cold gun against the Flashes.

They settled into bed.  It was more of a cot, really—ugh!—designed for one passenger only… or two extremely skinny passengers.  Mick was indomitably muscular; Len was more on the wolfish side: intense for his medium frame.  Thus, Len ended up lying on top of Mick most of the time.  Mick forgot his rancor for a while when he snaked his arms around his husband’s waist and slumbered.

Hermey helped Raymond, Professor Boardman, Professor Stein, Kenny, and Carter clear away the snacks while Laurel hauled her sister out firefighter-style.  Somehow, more popcorn ended up on the floor than in people’s mouths, yet they eventually got it all cleaned up.  Hermey scrutinized the room one last time after everybody else had departed for their quarters.

She rushed through throwing on her pajamas: shorts in Chronos black, a tee with Superdog’s D diamond, and fuzzy slipper boots.  She slipped into the chair at her desk, clicked a pen, and read her assignment.

_List your talents, accolades, and resources.  Add compliments you’ve received until you’ve filled out at least a page.  One side counts as a page for this exercise._

More pen clicking happened than writing.  Five minutes rolled by, then ten and twenty.  This wasn’t an exercise; this was a freakin’ marathon!  Hermey’s head thumped against the desk in defeat.

Infected with desperation and homesickness—she already wasn’t especially useful; she wasn’t going to fail this one stupidly simple task—she wrote a letter to her brother.  There was no way to send it to him, but even with the barriers of time and space and paper between them, it would still feel like talking to him.

_Yo, Chronos!_

_I went on my first Legends mission today.  Captain Hunter and Laurel ran into some financial trouble, and the rest of us busted them out.  I broke my record today: 27 folks changed into crickets!  That’s five higher than my last record._

_Hmm… do you think that counts as something I can write down for my homework?  Mr. Snart and Mr. Rory told me to fill out a page of stuff I’m good at.  It doesn’t really seem fair to list my superpowers as an asset since I’m the only one who has them._

_I figured out what you mean when you say Mr. Rory reminds you of yourself when you were younger.  He’s cuddly and likes hugs and ruffles my hair a lot._

_It feels new—not just when he hugs me, but when anybody does.  Everybody’s warm and soft.  You have to wear your armor or I’ll ruin our timelines by learning your identity too early, but your armor’s cold and hard._

_Kinda like my quarters.  I gotta be going crazy or something cuz Miss Gideon says it’s 21 degrees in here, but it feels closer to 17.  I have a blanket, and I can transform into an arctic fox, so I’m not cold when I sleep, but it’s **really** hard to get out of bed in the morning._

_I wish making that dumb list was as easy as playing Frederick the Great’s intro in ERB._

_I can definitely add that, can’t I???_

_Okay, great!_

_Say hi to Dusto for me._

_See ya soon, Chronos :)_


	3. The Ratty Prison Break of ‘86

Once again, fate took immense pleasure in derailing Rip and Snart’s best laid plans.  Boardman’s hunch that Savage favored the Soviets in the Cold War was accurate, so Rip pinpointed a way in—Valentina Volstok—and intended to sway her as a private investor.  This was actually a bait-and-switch: present himself as an ignorant businessman to accentuate Snart’s suave guile.  He pickpocketed her ID card by the end of the hour.

Their invasion of her facility... the less said about it, the better.

They regrouped at the _Waverider_.  Raymond and Rory were thrown into the gulag while Professor Stein was being interrogated for the FIRESTORM formula.  Rip had full confidence in Snart’s ability to liberate his husband and Raymond, yet for some reason, he composed his plan around Ellen.

How irresponsible does one have to be to bring a child to a gulag???  If she had experience in such matters, they would’ve had a different discussion, but theirs ended in Ellen siding with Snart.  Granted, Snart also brought up an excellent point in that the Canaries and the Hawks were more than enough to free Professor Stein.

At least until Savage himself appeared.  Rip ordered the Hawks and Stein to bolt—which they did, thankfully!—it’s nice to have somebody follow orders around here.  He and the Canaries held Savage off while they escaped, yet his swordsmanship was quickly picking them off.  He backed Rip against a wall and pressed steel against his neck.  Rip’s life blitzed by until an emerald laser charged in from the distance.  Savage dropped to the floor.  He wasn’t dead; and with incoming dogs and soldiers, Rip and the Canaries needed to leave at once.

A mutt had joined their crew when they returned to the ship.  Somehow, it belonged to Ellen and her time-traveling older brother.

What.

The.

Fuck!?

“Miss Ellen, you’re an only child.”

Ellen’s psychological evaluations were within acceptable parameters.  They included no reports of delusions, so why was she fantasizing now???

“Chronos says it takes more than blood to make a family.”

“I was a career Time Master; if there are any time-travelers who use the alias ‘Chronos’, I would know about it.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t know about fixed points either, so what do you know?”

“A great deal more than someone who hides behind delusions.”

Inhalations slashed the bridge.  The mutt raised its hackles and commenced snarling at Rip.  Ellen stared at him with wrathful eyes burning through him until her knuckles whitened.

The mutt flung Rip against a wall with a modified Canary Cry.  Ellen pounced on him and didn’t stop punching him until Rory ripped her off.  Rip’s head was bleeding.  Rip felt like his skull had imploded on him.  Snart was holding the mutt back.  The crew stared at Rip as if he was in the wrong for preventing this lunatic from endangering their mission.

Black Canary pulled him up and set him in a cot next to Raymond, who was shaking in a fitful sleep on a cot next to Professor Stein, who paused reading to look up at them—his free hand never leaving Raymond’s sweaty hair.  Once Rip had sufficiently bandaged himself up, she cuffed him, “That was a low blow.”

“How can you possibly defend her?  _She_ assaulted _me_!”

“And she could’ve transformed into any animal and snapped your neck or transformed you into an animal and stomped you flat, but she didn’t do either of those things, did she, _Captain_?”

She used his title with unrivaled contention, starting with a trivial incident of Ellen thinking her powers working properly warranted a medal.  Once she relayed today’s events to Professor Stein, his gaze against Rip became stern as well.

“....I had plenty of time on my hands while you were off rescuing Ronald.  I was just as ill as I was before we left except I lacked Clarissa’s presence by my side, so Miss Ellen stayed by it.  ‘We might as well be lonely together, Professor,’ she said.  She was polite and cordial throughout her recap of our companions’ latest exploits, and she never stopped smiling until I asked if she possessed metahuman abilities.”

_“....I can transform people in animals just fine, but changing them back into people never works.”_

“It may not seem to be an accomplishment in the grand scheme of things, but what you’ve written off as a task as mundane as breathing is in actuality a milestone brought about through innumerable hours of practice.”

“You brushing her off is exactly the same crap her parents pulled,” added Black.

Rip winced.  Whether he admitted it to himself or not, he died inside after watching the footage of Ellen’s funeral for her dog....  That mutt on the bridge was the spitting image of it, except bigger and better cared for.  Either someone was playing an extremely cruel prank on Ellen, or that mutt _was_ Dustin Otis.  Perhaps this Chronos anomaly truly did exist.  But if that was the case, why and how did Ellen attract and retain the attention of a Time Master or Pirate?  This required an intense investigation.

Rip’s knees creaked as he stood up.  Gideon cleared him to travel under his own power after an initial bout of dizziness.  Scowls pierced him throughout his journey.  All conversations ceased in his presence.  The type of quiet employed by bandits about to ambush an unwitting merchant polluted the _Waverider_.

Finally, Rip reached Ellen’s quarters.  He knocked once. No answer.  He knocked again. Still nothing.  Gideon then informed him, “Miss Ellen is currently in the brig.”

“Who put her in there?”

“Herself.”

“....Is she alone?”

“Negative....  I’ve just asked if she would welcome your presence.  Mr. Rory’s exact words were ‘leave Cub the fuck alone’.”

“I…” Rip slumped a little, speechless. “Tell Miss Ellen she is not a prisoner, and that I am prepared to make amends for today’s harsh words.  And, Gideon?”

“Yes, Captain?”

“....Search past, present, and future for records of an anachronism by the name of Chronos.  Compile a list of probable locations for Ellen to review.”

“Compiling in progress.  Do you intend to recruit him, Captain?”

“Perhaps,” Rip wrung his hand through his hair. “Right now, I’m more concerned with giving Miss Ellen a chance to spend time with her brother.  Professor Stein and Mr. Raymond need time to recover from their captivity, and I’m sure the rest of the crew will appreciate a bit of R&R as well.”

“Miss Ellen has thought of a suitable destination: Jazz Age Agrabah.”

Rip blinked and dropped his jaw at speeds worthy of Flash, “When!?”

_Earlier that day...._

“Our baby from Caity!” Sara tackled Hermey into a hug when the latter shuffled into the galley. “We’re training today: me, you, Laursey, and Al!  We’re whippin’ you two into kickass shape!”

“Um…” Hermey blinked blearily, “okay.”

“Morning, Mozart; the Hawks and I made English muffin sandwiches!” Mr. Rory ambled over from frying sausage patties to hug her and punch-tap Sara’s shoulder. “Brr—you’re cold.  You warm enough at night?”

“Yeah!” Hermey insisted as she accepted a sandwich with an egg patty, cheese, and bacon.

“Ooh! What’s this?” Sara asked as she snatched the notebook and flipped it open—almost ripping its poor cover off in the process.

“Hey!” Hermey protested because she wasn’t sure if others were allowed to read it.  Plus, she didn’t want to return it to Mr. Snart and Mr. Rory ruined.

“I wanna make a list!” Sara pouted at Mr. Rory, protesting her lack of an invitation to this activity by clicking her own pen and listing her awesomesauce traits.  Mr. Rory rolled his eyes and shook his head amicably and tore out Hermey’s list for inspection.

He whistled midway through, “You got some good stuff in here.  Not just anybody can perform every single Epic Rap Battle.”

“I’m still working on Captain Cold Versus Heatwave.”

“That just came out a couple days ago,” he patted her back. “Give yourself some credit, Cub.”

Meanwhile, Ronnie had entered—his hair still a touch damp from a shower—and started scribbling down his own list.  Laurel dabbed her napkin against her lips, washed her hands, and began her own.  Kenny, Carter, Professor Boardman, and Professor Stein joined in moments later.  Soon enough, everybody had compiled a list in the fraction of the time it took Hermey to make hers.

_How’d everyone finish theirs so fast???_

“White, I can barely read yours,” Mr. Rory scowled at her thatchwork.

Laurel turned her sister’s list upside down and sideways, yet she still couldn’t read it, so Sara was doomed to type hers up.  Sara slogged towards the office with a dramatic groan.  She returned from her epic quest with a list in size nine-billion font to make up for the difference between the length of a written page and a typed page.

Mr. Rory flagged Mr. Snart down when the latter entered, “Hey, Lenny, come take a look at these!”

Mr. Snart inspected them and nodded his approval.  His gaze snapped at Hermey, “You can perform both versions of _Let It Go_???”

“Yes, sir.”

“Kid, it’s just Len when we’re off the clock.  I’m many things but not my father.”

Hermey jumped to attention.  She dodged his gaze and gulped, “Sorry, s—Len.”

“Hey,” Mr. Rory punch-tapped her. “Wanna help me figure out somewhere to tape these?”

Hermey nodded and carried the papers and some Scotch tape courtesy of Miss Gideon.  They searched for somewhere central, popular, and visible to all.  They chose to frame the door to the library/theater.  They finished just in time to buckle up for their next destination: Russia, 1986.  There was a good half a foot of snow outside.  Hermey’s boots squeaked across the floor as she waited for Miss Gideon to open the door.

“Where are you going?” Not Doctor looked up from the table-inside-the-floor to snap at her.

“It’s snowing!”

“Yes, it is; it tends to do that in Russia.”

“It’s not like you need me to plan anything, so I figured it’d be a better use of my time to grab some fresh air instead!  I’ll keep the ship in sight.”

Cub darted out the door like a camel out of Alaska.  Kenny clamped her hands onto her arms and shivered, “Please tell me she’s wearing a coat.”

“Miss Ellen’s outfit consists of boots, jeans, and a long-sleeved t-shirt,” Gideon informed them.

Mick ripped Len’s parka off the back of his husband’s seat and charged down the ramp, “Mozart, I will manhandle you if that’s what it takes to get you to put on a coat!”

Cub bolted up from her snow angel, transformed into a snow leopard, and stared up at him stupidly.  He returned her gaze with the human equivalent of a Mac’s spinning beach ball of death and watched her prance around without a care in the world.  Mick marched back into the _Waverider_ and groaned when Len smirked, “Something tells me Ellen’s got good taste in fur coats.”

Len and Not Doctor finished scheming and dressed up fancy as fuck.  Bleh! Give Mick a barely-buttoned Henley, pants, boots, and suspenders from Salvation Army any day.  And even that was too many layers to tear apart for Mick’s tastes.  Granted, if life operated according to Mick’s tastes, Len would prowl around naked all the time.

Black called Cub in for training.  She folded her arms when Cub looked up at her with puppy dog eyes, “Cute, but no.  I’ve been a firstborn since before you were born.  You may continue playing after today’s session.” Cub didn’t budge and turned up the ante. “Don’t make me count to three on you.”

Kenny and Kilt worked with Raymond and Stein, Mick took Hawkling, and the Canaries claimed Cub.  Black and White ran into the same problem, too.

“Chronos says you’re supposed to treat teammates like ‘ohana,” Cub eventually explained, “and nobody in an ‘ohana hurts each other no matter how mad they are.”

The room became quiet for a minute.  Finally, Stein came up with, “I would reason that Chronos knows the difference between sparring and a true fight.  He’d want you to practice.

There’s a high likelihood we’ll encounter Savage in this era,” added Kilt. “My feathers have felt out of place since we’ve arrived, and my mace weighs heavier in my hand.”

Cub broke out of her funk after that.  The Canaries were definitely out of her league as humans, yet she flipped the odds into her favor by transforming into a polar bear.  Both Canaries went from a dogpile on top of her to under her paws in minutes.  Mick scratched one of her fuzzy ears for a job well done.  Cub chuffed at Black and gazed longingly out the door.  Black waved her away.  Cub bounded outside as a snowshoe hare.  Kenny and Raymond coated themselves and began a snowball fight.  The rest soon joined in after resetting the gym.

Not Doctor and Len returned with what’s-her-face’s wallet and, apparently more importantly, her security card.  In retrospect, perhaps they should’ve questioned how easy it was to break into the joint cuz breaking out… didn’t happen.

Not Adam Savage dragged Stein into a lab and sent Mick and Raymond to the gulag.  A loser would’ve taken a hammer to Mick’s head if Ronnie hadn’t redirected his attention.  Goddamn heroes: always takin’ a hit for the rest of their crew.

Ronnie was shaking and shivering when the guards marched into their cell.  He collapsed onto a cot as soon as they left.  Something was going down on Stein’s end—a cocktail of torture and a marathon of drugs.  The Soviets wanted the formula to make their own FIRESTORM.

“Hang in there, kid, Lenny’s coming,” Mick hugged him tight when the latter breathed as if he was choking and sweated as if he’d been sprinting for the past hour.

A cold war began on the _Waverider_ after Carter, Len, and Captain Hunter retrieved blueprints for the gulag.  Captain Hunter and Len both claimed to need Hermey.  _Doesn’t Captain Hunter have enough folks already???_   Hermey’s head snapped between them until she gingerly sidled over to Len’s side of the bridge.

“You’ve got two Canaries and three Hawks,” Len reminded him. “If you need a larger crew than that, my crew and I’ll be along shortly to save your asses.”

“Must I remind you that Ellen has no experience breaking in and out of prison?”

“But she has plenty of experience keeping quiet and hiding,” Len said as he picked Hermey off the floor after requesting a dark-furred rat—something that looked like it’d grown up inside the gulag—and plopped her in his pocket.

“Right!” Captain Hunter barked incredulously as the groups separated once they departed from the ship. “A metahuman musician is an expert in remaining silent.”

Once Captain Hunter was out of sight and Len had scanned the area for onlookers, Len plucked Hermey out of his pocket and cupped her in his gloves.  She stood up on her hind paws and blinked up at him with black marbles for eyes.  Len said, “Remember how Snow said to listen to me and Mick if our orders ever conflicted with Hunter’s?” Hermey nodded. “I’m modifying that: listen to any member of our crew before you listen to Hunter.” Hermey tilted her head. “You heard what he said about you: you’re lower on his food chain than Mick, and he only brought him because my husband and I are a package deal.  Stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault, and stop taking Hunter’s crap without a fight.”

Hermey shrunk in on herself and nodded.  Len stroked her head with his finger before resettling her inside his pocket.  He was escorted to Mr. Rory and Ronnie’s cell without incident.  Ronnie looked like if he took one step outside the cell, the guards would be alerted to their breakout via him crumpling onto the floor.

“What’s the plan, boss?” Mr. Rory was ready to carry Ronnie out if need be.

Len smirked and spoke before he set Hermey onto the floor, “The plan is to walk out the door.”

Hermey changed Len and Mr. Rory into rats and Ronnie into a mouse.  Len and Hermey set Ronnie onto Mr. Rory’s back.  When they filed into a line, Hermey squeaked, “Eep, eep, eep eep eep.  Eep, eep, eep eep eep.”

Len looked back at her from the engine of their train, “Eepeep, eep eep eep eep eepeep eep.”

Hermey ducked her head low, “Eepeep, eep....”

Their breath stopped when a couple of guards intended to use them as target practice.  One challenged the other to shoot Ronnie off Mr. Rory’s back.  Their supervisor charged in shouting about two escaped prisoners just before the entire place became infested with guards on the hunt and prisoners grumbling about this lockdown.  A boot nearly crushed Len when they turned a corner.  His human senses would’ve picked up the oncoming traffic just fine, but his rat senses were borderline overstimulation.

“Eep eep eep eep, eepeep?” Mr. Rory wondered out loud.

“Eep eep eepeep eep eep eepeep eep eepeep eep eep eepeep eepeepeep eepeepeep,” Hermey replied. “Eepeepeep eep eepeep eep eep eep eep eep eep eep eep eep eepeepeep eep eepeep eep eep eep eep.”

Their last barrier soon stood before them: the door.  Folks were flurrying in and out of it.  Hermey’s ears swiveled as the men awaited her all-clear signal, “Eep!” Len crawled under the gap. “Eep!” The men rolled Ronnie out. “Eep!” And out went Mr. Rory.  Hermey moved to escape yet squeezed into the wall when a guard stormed inside.  Good thing Hermey made them extra furry rodents because a blizzard had kicked in during their escapades.

Len squinted.  Vertigo from his overstimulated senses and snow slamming into his face rendered it impossible to judge if they were far enough away from the gulag.  His beady slate eyes popped upon sight of a dog pulling a cushioned toboggan.

Hermey scrambled towards it, “Eepeep!”

It licked Hermey furiously before turning its attention to Mr. Rory.  Len braced himself to feel the love yet sagged in relief when it didn’t come.

“Eep eep eepeep eep eepeepeep!” she turned around and explained to the group. “Eepeep eepeep eep eep.”

She helped Ronnie onto the toboggan and under a quilt.  The others settled under the quilt with him.  Dusto’s ears flopped with gusto as he found the _Waverider_ without so much as a pause to ask for directions.  They hopped off their ride and crossed their digits when Hermey attempted to change them all back.

Len opened his eyes; all were human again.  Cub’s feet thumped against the bridge while she cheered incredulously, “It worked! Yipee!!!”

“You don’t hear Saunders or Hall celebrating every time their wings unfold,” Not Doctor once again chose to harass Cub and left escorting their drying teammates to the Hawks.  He immediately noticed Dusto, “....What is that???”

Dusto sported a German Shepherd’s coloration on an Alaskan Malamute’s build.  He pressed against Cub while she introduced him, “He’s my puppy!  Dusto’s a real puppy, though—not an alien like Stitch.  My brother time-traveled so he could bring us back here safely.”

Len and Mick knew instantaneously that Not Doctor’s WTF face was gonna ignite trouble faster than a can of Mick’s favorite accelerant.

Exasperation bolted from deep within Not Doctor, “Miss Ellen, you’re an only child.”

“Chronos says it takes more than blood to make a family.”

“I was a career Time Master; if there are any time-travelers who use the alias ‘Chronos’, I would know about it.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t know about fixed points either, so what do you know?”

Attagirl!

“A great deal more than someone who hides behind delusions.”

Fuck!

Inhalations slashed the bridge.  The mutt raised its hackles and commenced snarling at Rip.  Ellen stared at him with wrathful eyes burning through him until her knuckles whitened.

Dusto flung Not Doctor against a wall with a modified Canary Cry.  Cub pounced on him and didn’t stop punching him until Mick pulled her into a hug.  Her knuckles were bleeding, her breath pulsed, and her body quaked.  Len was holding Dusto back.  Black hauled Not Doctor’s ass outta there.

“Damn, girl!” hooted White. “Good for you, sticking up for yourself!”

It was as if acknowledging the incident condemned her.  All were oblivious to the hate incubating inside her.  Cub staggered and breathed heavily once she caught sight of her trembling, bleeding hands.  Dusto slowly approached her, yet she transformed into a falcon and fled.  Mick caught Dusto while Len advised everyone not to chase after her, “Gideon can track her down calmer and quicker than we can.”

“....Miss Ellen has entered the brig,” their trusty AI wasn’t done alarming them, because she soon added: “She has charged me to lock her in.  Given her current emotional state, I have chosen not to comply.  There is also a high probability she is experiencing shock.”

Mick zoomed there with a quilt by the time Gideon finished.  Cub had wedged herself into a corner as tightly as possible, shivering and sweating as if someone had just dunked her into a frozen lake.  Her gaze remained locked on the wall across from her when she addressed Mick with frozen terror, “....Bad metas go in the sp-special wing in I-Iron Heights.”

“You’re not a bad meta; you’re a meta who’s having a bad day,” Mick approached her slowly and enfolded her into a quilted embrace.

“I… I hurt C-Captain Hunter....  Y-you don’t—you don’t hurt family.”

“That’s right, but _he_ hasn’t been treating _you_ like family, has he?” Mick wiped her forehead before rewrapping around her.  He saw a profile view of her eyebrows scrunching up in confusion. “There’s more than one way to hurt folks, Cub.  We all get itchy when we hear him insulting us at every turn—but especially you cuz you don’t fight back.  Why bother followin’ your code of honor if he ain’t gonna follow yours?”

“....Chronos....”

Mick scoffed, “If I were your brother, I’d deck ‘im on sight!”

Ocular waterfalls, whimpering, and sniffling commenced, “....I miss him.  He… he’s from my future.  He wears armor so I won’t treat his past self differently.  A week before we left, he reminded me that he could be anybody....  ‘Anybody’ includes Captain Hunter.”

“....That’s bullshit!” Mick. Did. Not. Share... Ever! Especially not with assholes! “It is not up to you to reform your abuser, it is up to him to earn redemption.”

“Captain Hunter wishes to check in on Miss Ellen,” Gideon informed them.  Was it just Mick or were her chimes sounding more human as time went on???

Cub shrunk in on herself.  Mick interpreted this as, “Tell Not Doctor to leave Cub the fuck alone!”

“....Captain Hunter would like to remind you, Miss Ellen, that you are not a prisoner, and that he is prepared to make amends for today’s harsh words....  He’s offering you shore leave.  I am currently compiling a list of recommendations, but if you have a destination in mind—”

“Jazz Age Agrabah,” came Cub’s barely audible interruption.

“Ya think Chronos’ll be there?” Mick asked.

“If he’s not, Jazz’ll be there at least.”

“Cool. Who’s Jazz?”

“It’s short for Jasmine.”

“Hold up—you know Aladdin?”

“No!” Cub wriggled out of his grasp and frowned at him. “A chronic liar would never become sultan of the real Agrabah!  Aladdin’s just a myth made up by misogynists.”

“So wait, Jazz’s old man is still on the throne?”

“No, he stepped down due to old age.  He and Merlin advise the new sultan.”

“Merlin? As in Camelot Merlin?”

“Merlin remembers the future, so probably.  Chronos and I were surprised too, but that’s the name he wanted after Jazz freed ‘im.”

“Merlin of Camelot was the genie in the lamp?”

“And now he’s the genie out of the lamp,” she nodded as she stood up and stepped out of the quilt that was determined to suck her feet in.  Mick picked it up and set it on her like a shawl.

She tried to give it back, yet Mick insisted against it, “Take it, Cub, Lenny and I have plenty.  We’re all beat.  Why don’tcha sleep off today so you can wake up bright and early tomorrow morning and jam-pack as much time with Jazz as possible?”

Dusto was right outside the door.  His tail wagged up a tornado when they reemerged.  He followed Cub into her quarters while Mick broke away to all but collapse into his husband when he entered theirs.

“How the hell do you do it???” Mick just about crawled onto their cot.  New goal: steal a—preferably king-sized—mattress. “Be an older brother?”

“Technically, you’re just old enough to be her father,” Len chuckled.

“Nope, older brother; that way, I can snag advice from you.  All the fathers we know are dead, James, or West Senior—none of whom are onboard this ship.”

“You need advice on how to be an older brother?” Len set his reading aside and looked his husband straight in the eye. “Pick up where her actual older brother left off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I took a shower and ate breakfast this morning and suddenly that I didn't post the ratty translations last night. I am so sorry, y'all. Without further ado...
> 
> “Eep, eep, eep eep eep. Eep, eep, eep eep eep.” > “Left, right, left right left. Left, right, left right left.”
> 
> “Eepeep, eep eep eep eep eepeep eep.” > “Ellen, we need to be quiet now.”
> 
> “Eepeep, eep....” > “Sorry, sir....”
> 
> “Eep eep eep eep, eepeep?” > “How do you cope, Mozart?”
> 
> “Eep eep eepeep eep eep eepeep eep eepeep eep eep eepeep eepeepeep eepeepeep; eepeepeep eep eepeep eep eep eep eep eep eep eep eep eep eepeepeep eep eepeep eep eep eep eep.” > “Cait and Cisco say I transform so often that my senses transition gradually; anyone who transforms for the first time skips the rest of the alphabet when going from A to Z.”
> 
> “Eep!” … “Eep!” … “Eep!” > “Now!” … “Now!” … “Now!"
> 
> “Eepeep!” > “Dusto!”
> 
> “Eep eep eepeep eep eepeepeep! Eepeep eepeep eep eep.” > “This is Dusto the Superdog! Chronos must’ve sent ‘im.”


	4. Pirates of the Jordan River

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I totally stole the merchant from Disney's Aladdin, FYI. In fact, pretty much everything native to Agrabah is stolen from Disney's Aladdin.
> 
> If you were traumatized by Dusto's death in Walleye West, do yourselves a favor and skip the first chunk of italicized words.

Tension simmered throughout the bridge when Hermey arrived the next morning.  Everybody else had already assembled.  Laurel, Sara, Kenny, Carter, Len, Mick, and Dusto were ready to attack Captain Hunter the instant he tried something stupid.

“....I’m afraid neither I nor Gideon are familiar with that location.”

“It’s a time fragmentation....” her posture was still a bit hunkered, and her eyes were redder than normal. “Chronos says that means Time Masters can’t find it.”

“I see....” Captain Hunter said as he offered her his seat.  He met some hostility taking hers. “Is your brother a Time Master or a Time Pirate?”

“Neither,” Hermey replied as she plugged in some coordinates and thrusted the throttled forward.  She gulped, “Someone took him and didn’t stop hurting him until he followed their orders.”

“How did he break his programming?”

“....His captor ordered him to kill me,” Shock electrocuted the listeners.  Dusto brushed up against her legs, “on the day Dusto died.”

_Rain and wind raged against all who dared venture out into the woods this afternoon.  Clouds and a tree canopy darkened the forest: perfect cover for an obsidian-armored assassin.  The target was oblivious to his presence, occupied solely by a funeral for her short-lived companion.  His weapon was halfway ready to finish the job when she finally picked herself up out of the mud._

_“You always liked this song....  If I could talk to you, I’d ask you why; but I like it cuz it shows Lilo and Stitch and Nani and everyone else having fun and spending time together.”_

[ _It's coming closer_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4aor3FulOU)

_The flames are now lickin’ my body_

_Won't you help me_

_I feel like I'm slipping away_

_It's hard to breathe_

_My chest is a-heating_

_Lord mercy,_

_Burning a hole in me_

_Cuz your kisses lift me higher_

_Like the sweet song of a choir_

_You light my morning sky_

_With burning love_

_Chronos’s grip crinkled against the trigger when his vision burned with images of his family: his husband, the Rogues Gallery, his sister-in-law, the Legends, and....  His rifle plunked into the mud when he realized his cub was crying.  She blinked through her tears and looked in his direction at the sound, yet she didn’t see him.  She wrapped Dusto’s cape around her wrist and plodded home._

_Chronos dug up Dusto and rushed him back to the med bay in his jumpship.  Compared to its mirror on its mothership, it was more of a med closet, but whatever.  Doctors in the present day could bring humans back to life; resurrecting a puppy was a snap with future tech._

_Dusto’s tail thumped against the cot, flicking mud against once stainless white sheets.  The poor boy howled for Hermey before slumping completely.  He whimpered up at Chronos, who plopped a bowl of food in front of him.  Dusto didn’t budge._

_“C’mon, pup,” Chronos nudged him towards the bowl after toweling him off. “You’ll see ‘er soon; I promise.  She’s meeting us the long way around.”_

Captain Hunter remained onboard to ensure Professor Stein and Mr. Raymond ecovered efficiently.  They’d landed just outside the city walls.  They didn’t bother changing since Agrabah hosted lots of traders—period-accurate garb might potentially attract attention to them instead of deterring it.

A merchant welcomed and waved them over to his stall as soon as he spotted them, “Salaam and good morning to you, worthy friends.  Please, come closer!” Hermey and Kenny humored him; although admittedly, a few trinkets on his shelves caught their eye. “Welcome to Agrabah: city of mystery, of enchantment, OF THE FINEST MERCHANDISE THIS SIDE OF THE RIVER JORDAN ON SALE TODAY!  COME ON DOWN!!!” Sara snickered at Hermey and Kenny’s startled expressions.  This dude could go from zero to fifty then back to zero in half a second.  He tried to sell them a combination hookah/coffee maker/fry julienner, Dead Sea Tupperware—i.e. a box he opened a crack and raspberried as proof of its freshness—and when Len turned to move on, the shortie zipped out in front of him, “Wait! Don’t go!  I can see that you’re only interested in the exceptionally rare!  I think that you would be most rewarded to consider,” he zipped a tea pot out of his billowing sleeves, “this!” He waved his hand out across the landscape with a faraway gleam in his eyes. “This is no ordinary lamp!  It once changed the course of a young woman’s life—a young woman who, like this lamp, was more than what she seemed—a diamond in the rough.  Perhaps you would like to hear the tale???”

Len put on his you’re-in-for-the-shock-of-your-lifetime smirk, “I can get it from Hermey, thanks.”

The merchant did a double-take at her, “Is that really you???” He scrabbled over to her and shook her hand with gusto. “Allah, how you’ve grown!” He looked straight at Dusto and ruffled the top of his mane. “And you’re quite a bit bigger too, eh? Almost as large as a donkey!” Dusto huffed, seemingly offended. “Oh, but you’re much smarter than any of those pesky beasts!” Dusto sat up and raised his chin proudly. “Cuter, too!” The man jiggled the lamp at Hermey with quirky eyebrows.  Hermey reached deep into her messenger bag and offered up some coins.

“How has trade been affected under the new sultan’s rule?” asked Carter as he bought a dog-sized rug of Kenny’s liking.

“My only complaint is that thieves don’t get their hands chopped off,” the merchant rolled his eyes. “Then again, poverty and crime are at an all-time low, so nobody needs to steal anymore.  Our sultan takes great pride in listening to and learning from everyone; the only problem is—although it’s more of a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things—the palace has been closed for over a week now.” Hermey jumped to attention at that.  The merchant leaned in behind his counter. “Rumors are going around that she’s come down with the flu, but I think it has something to do with those shifty types that blew in like a sandstorm just before the palace closed.  They smelled like mischief the moment they came through the gate.  They headed straight for the palace, and nobody remembers seeing them leave.”

Hermey and Dusto would’ve dashed into the city if they hadn’t heard something clinking around inside the lamp.  Hermey plucked off the top and took out a note while the Hawks dropped off their carpet.  They returned by the time she finished.  This time, Mick caught her before she darted off, “Stay with the group, dammit.”

“Does Jazz need immediate medical attention or backup?” Len asked her.

“No, sir.”

“Then she’ll be fine for the time it takes us to calmly arrive at wherever we’re meeting her.  Lead the way, kid.”

Spices fumed a rainbow of scents, fruit and souvenirs presented a kaleidoscope of sights, and residents and tourists generated a mosaic of sounds.  The Legends waded through this chaos and up into an alcove with a panoramic view of all of Agrabah.

“Hermey!” A woman in a cyan hijab and her mid-twenties rushed into a hug.  A hawk-adorned staff never left her grasp.  She smiled at Hermey as if years’ worth of stress melted off. “Chronos assured me you were coming, but he never said you’d be bringing allies with you.” Introductions were made, and Hermey inquired about the fate of her father.  Jazz shook her head, “He died in his sleep last summer.  It was a peaceful death, and Merlin is still here to guide me.” A broad-chested man in a fez who was a head taller than Mick emerged from a shadowy corner and nodded amiably at Hermey. “My people and I held a day of fasting in his honor.” Then they moved on to current events. “A brigade of bandits came roving in demanding I relinquish unto them an artifact called the Staff of Horus.  Their contractor apparently told them it was in my possession.  When I regretfully informed them of my ignorance regarding their treasure hunt, they became as uppity as a gaggle of monkeys, so Merlin and I enchanted the palace doors to prevent them from leaving.  Now they seem to have fallen under the impression that my staff is the object they seek.  As undisciplined as they are, their weaponry outclasses the equipment of my soldiers.  I don’t wish to send them or any of you into a massacre.”

“Don’t worry about a thing, Sultan Jasmin,” Laurel assured her. “Those Pirates will soon regret trespassing.”

Mick clapped Len’s shoulders, “Just give us blueprints to that palace of yours, and we’ll teach those uninvited visitors some manners!”

“I can give you better than blueprints, sir,” Jazz smirked and her almond—both in color and shape—eyes sparkled with schemes. “I’ve lived in Agrabah Palace all my life.”

“But if you still need paperwork,” scrolls of schematics popped into Merlin’s hands before the genie rolled them out onto the table, “I am more than capable of providing for all of your paper cut needs!”

The good news was, they avoided going out during the hottest part of the day.  The bad news was, by the time they finished planning, it was the coldest part of the night.  Merlin clapped some blankets and pillows into existence and tossed them out to Jazz and the Legends.  They rested until the marketplace was as silent as a tomb and the only souls skulking about were the Legends and the night patrol.  Jazz and Merlin insisted on coming along.

“I will not throw my friends or allies into a situation I would not dare tread myself,” said Jazz.

“I’m here for the halftime show!” quipped Merlin.  Len gave him an evil eye when Merlin produced a bag of popcorn and replaced his fez with a soda can hat.  Merlin snickered and clapped his snacks away.  Len gave him another evil eye when he realized that the soda can hat had ended up on him.  Sara gave Merlin a high-five.

They climbed up the vines onto Jazz’s balcony.  To her disgust, the Pirates’ captain had acquisitioned her room for himself.  Sara and Laurel’s knives rang out and sheathed into the captain.  They wiped them on his coat and Sara claimed his eyepatch as a trophy.

Sara became fully decked out in a longcoat, buckled boots, and a skull-and-bones hat by the time they reached the main force out in the throne room.  Professor Boardman tied a Jolly Roger flag around his neck like a cape.  Mick and Len cocked their guns while Jazz cocked her staff.  The Legends slunk into position.  Len nodded: the signal to begin.  Merlin whipped up a megaphone and bellowed out the William Tell Overture.  The Pirates bolted awake.  The less aware among them blinked their confusion and fell first.  The more aware among them survived the first onslaught only to be trapped between an arc of fire and a door they couldn’t open.  It soon engulfed the pillows and blankets the Pirates were using and some of the drapes.  Jazz, Merlin, and most of the Legends promptly departed.  Len’s cold gun wasn’t enough to contain the flames.  Mick was as captivated as a dragon under the effects of goldlust.

“Mick!” Len tried to snap and shake his husband out of his awe, yet nothing he did reached him. “Mick, we have to go!”

Mick took a step towards the flames and the screaming Pirates.  Len grabbed hold of Mick’s arm and dug his feet into the tiles.  Mick was stronger than Len.  That was a fact Len had to accept ever since they met in juvie, but this time, it was doing neither of them any favors.

A horse roared and decked Mick.  Len hauled Mick onto Hermey.  Columns fell all around them and blocked several paths.  Len commenced coughing out smoke.

Len leaned heavily on Hermey to keep standing.  Hermey’s head darted to and fro until Dusto’s howl broke a blockade in half.  Carter and Merlin rushed in and helped their friends out.

Mick and Len and Hermey replaced Ronnie and Professor Stein in the med bay.  Sara scratched behind Dusto’s ears, “Good boy, Dusto, using your Canary Cry to save our buddies!”

“It’s not a Canary Cry!” Kenny’s fangirl sensibilities were severely offended. “Obviously, it’s a Superdog Howl!”

“Apologies about the state of your palace, Sultan Jasmine,” said Professor Boardman after the team briefed Captain Hunter, Professor Stein, and Ronnie about what had occurred.

Jazz shook her head with a smile, “Buildings—no matter how magnificent—can be replaced, but a kind soul should be cherished.”

“I wouldn’t exactly call Snart and Rory kind,” huffed Hunter.

“Nor would I call you kind,” Jazz retorted. “If I am correctly informed,” she tapped his chest with the beak of her staff, “your actions drove one of my friends to despair!  Another one has a message for you.”

Her staff clanged against the floor.  A misty hologram of an obsidian-armored man took up more space on the bridge than Merlin.  He pointed accusingly forward, “I saved you from becoming a kebab in Russia, so listen up, you bastard.  I told my sister that I could be anybody, but I’m definitely not you!  She doesn’t follow your orders cuz your orders suck!!  You’re outta your league and you don’t know how to lead a team!!!” Chronos wiped his helmet with his gauntlet. “Right now, you’ve got Rory’s pyromania on your hands.  Don’t. Just don’t. Let Len deal with ‘im; he’s got twenty years on you—nearly as long as you’ve been alive.”

Her staff clanged against the floor again.  Jazz promptly explained, “The rest of the message is for someone else.”

“Lenny!” Mick shook his husband. “Lenny!!!”

“....Lisa, if you steal those earrings, they’ll clash with your heels—the ones with sparkly sprinkles!” Len groaned before rising onto his forearms.

Mick tackled him into a hug, “It happened again, didn’t it?”

“Yep,” Len winced before embracing him.  He spotted Cub over Mick’s shoulder.

Mick quivered over Len’s shoulder, “Everybody else made it out okay… right, Lenny?”

“....Yep.”

“Lenny, don’t fuckin’ lie to me!”

Gideon chimed in, “Miss Ellen shall awaken within the hour.”

Mick’s breath hitched when he saw Cub hooked up to an oxygen mask and a bag of fluids.  After looking back at Len with tears blurring his vision, he clasped Hermey’s hands with his and gulped.  If he remembered info from Len’s recon—aka threatening to bury Ramon as a too little, too late retardant against the boy dating Lisa—correctly, Cub would’ve been sixteen at best when the particle accelerator exploded.  That made her a year younger than Baby West, and everybody knew how much his father protested his vigilantics.  If Baby West was too small and too young to save Central, Cub should’ve been the last person in the multiverse on Not Doctor’s list of potential recruits.

“Greetings, Mr. Rory,” Jazz stood in the doorway with her staff.  Mick couldn’t tear away from proof of his obsession’s latest victim.  Jazz approached Hermey’s feet. “Watching is unnecessary; however, I highly recommend that you listen to these words.”

Her staff clanged against the floor.  Chronos reappeared, “So you’re the mook who has no idea how to do my job.  You’re probably wonderin’ why I’m takin’ so long to waddle my ass onto the _Waverider_.  I could come quicker, but that would fuck everything up.  I will say though that I’m comin’ soon, so just hang in there, Rory.  The other thing ya gotta keep in mind is we all mess up—and yeah, you dragged some folks down with you—but the important thing is to learn from your mistakes and move on.  Bad events can have good consequences, and good events can have bad consequences.  No matter what happens, we gotta keep moving forward cuz we can’t go back, and staying in one place forever ain’t healthy.” Before Chronos fizzled out, he offered one last tip. “Read her birthday present to ‘er.  Dusto knows where it is; he’s a smart dog—smarter than me, some days.” Dusto barked at Chronos saying his name and toddled off to retrieve the book.

Mick gulped again.  Presently, Jazz spoke, “....I won’t pretend to understand all of what Chronos said, but if he has entrusted Hermey to you, then I shall abide by his wishes.  Destruction is not necessarily evil, for the destruction of evil is good.”

Dusto returned with a book in his mouth.  An electronic board and buttons labeled with everyone on Team Flash’s chibified faces thickened it.  Pressing the buttons narrated the text in the owner of the face’s voice.  The cover featured chibi!Dusto in his Superdog gear playing fetch with chibi!Fauna.  Mick skipped to a bookmarked page near the beginning after reading the inner title page and a heavily-decorated dedication page.

 

_Dusto the Superdog_

_adapted by HR from Hermey Ellen’s radio show_

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  WE LOVE YOU, HERMEY!!!_

_HR ~ Happy birthday, HE :D :) :3_

_BARRY ~ :3_

_IRIS ~ <3 <3 <3_

_CAIT ~ your birthday’s something to celebrate, Hermey_

_CISCO ~ yur gum iz almost as awesome as u_

_JOE ~ don’t lose your happy attitude, kid_

_WALLY ~ happy 19 th, White Friend :P_

 

_Fauna started out finding lost pets after school._

_Years later, Flash invited her onto his team—wow, cool!_

_Flash and Kid Flash were both really fast._

_Electricity followed when either ran past._

_With a wave of her hand, Frost summoned ice,_

_yet despite her cold powers, she smiled warm and was nice._

_Vibe’s powers often came in quite a handy._

_He saw other worlds and ate lots of candy._

_Lily’s powers were sleuthing and curiosity._

_To follow her hunches, she prowled all over the city._

_Detective East was their dad, though he only fathered two._

_And soon after he met her, he loved Fauna, too._

_But Team Flash had one member who didn’t feel welcome._

_His name was Randolf.  This man had come_

_from a world that hated him._

_And so on a whim,_

_his best friend sent him here._

_Far from home and alone, he felt little cheer._

_Like Randolf, Fauna felt like there wasn’t much she could do._

_Their teammates were better-trained and super smart, too._

_She had powers, but they didn’t always work right._

_She was also the smallest by weight and by height._

_Yet Randolf learned she had the rarest power of all:_

_unconditional love—that was her protocol._

_She read all of the books Randolf wrote and loved to discuss ‘em._

_She drew chibis with Frost and gave Vibe her gum._

_She took care of McSnurtle:_

_Flash and Lily’s pet turtle._

_She became Kid Flash’s white friend after they watched a comic_

_Detective East didn’t approve of since those jokes were atomic._

_She helped them all feel like family even though hers was gone_

_traveling throughout time: such as colonial Taiwan._

_Pretty soon, Randolf didn’t feel lonely anymore._

_Fauna taught him that he was part of Team Flash for sure._


	5. Burning Love

When Hermey woke up, Len and Mick and Captain Hunter were shouting louder than hurricanes.  Whatever they were arguing about, they decided that the solution was to banish Mick from the ship.  They didn’t even let him take his heat gun.  Hermey snuck out as a flea on one of Mick’s boots.  Len exchanged Mick’s wedding ring for a pack of supplies as if this was a glorified camping trip!

Hermey hopped onto the ground when Mick prepped the site to host a fire.  She stayed behind with his pack when he went hunting.  He returned with a bouquet of rodents.  As long as a creature-based organism was undergoing a biotic process—which according to the scientists on Team Flash, included death and decomposition—she could transform it.  Mick rubbed his eyes, stared at his bounty, and wondered if he was hallucinating when his rats morphed into turkeys.

He looked around until his gaze landed on a now human Hermey.  He sighed when she charged into a hug, “Cub, what are you doing here???”

“Nobody gets left behind or forgotten, so why did Len leave you behind!?” Hermey whimpered.

“Calm down, Cub,” Mick rubbed her back. “Lenny’s comin’ back as soon as Not Doctor stops freakin’ out—they’ll show up any minute now!”

“Then why’d you grab so many rats?” Hermey separated from him and tilted her head off to the side with befuddlement.

“Cuz I’m hungry, dammit.  ‘Cept now, we got enough to feed the whole crew....  Chronos teacha how to start a fire?”

Mick had just enough time to approve of her work before a nauseating light shone out from a door.  The rest of the timeship was invisible.  Vandal Savage marched out.  His armor was immune to Hermey’s powers.  His agility dodged all of Mick’s blows.  Finally, Hermey stuck a stick into the fire and chucked it at Vandal Savage as if it was a baton.  He parried it with his sword.  He pressed her against the ship: effortlessly exuding a freight train’s worth of weight against her neck.

“Let ‘er go!” Mick dropped to his knees and held his hands up in surrender.  Vandal Savage quirked his gaze at him. “Let ‘er go, and I’ll go with you.”

Vandal Savage smirked at him.  Hermey gulped and scrabbled against his grip, “Mick!!!”

She saw stars—and Mick being led up a ramp into the ship—from Vandal Savage’s next blow.  She reached out to morph Mick into a bear, an elephant—anything their foe couldn’t possibly fight—to no avail.  She felt for a ship that was no longer there.

Chronos picked her up gently when he arrived moments later.  She burrowed into him and cried as much for Mick as much as she did for Dusto.

“He’s gonna be fine, Cub,” Chronos assured her as he rubbed her back.  Hermey gasped when Chronos revealed his face after all these years.

_Seven½-year-old Hermey Ellen opened the door to a Darth Vader cosplayer who was wearing Ant-Man’s helmet.  He asked to speak with her mothers._

_“They’re currently unavailable, sir, but I can take a message!”_

_“Well, it’s more a message for you,” Chronos crouched down to meet her gaze and clamped a grounding gauntlet on her shoulder. “Have you watched ‘Silence in the Library’—where the Doctor doesn’t know River’s his wife yet but River does?”_

_“Yep!” she yipped, too young to realize how dangerous this situation would be if Chronos was literally anybody else._

_“Well, we’re kinda like that.  We’re siblings, but I’m from the future, so our present selves don’t know who we are—we haven’t even met yet.  My name’s Chronos.  It’s nice to see you again, Hermey, it’s been a while.”_

_“It’s nice to meet you, too!” Hermey charged into a hug. “Are you adopted??? Cuz I’m an only child right now.”_

_“Nah,_ you’re _adopted,” Chronos ruffled Hermey’s hair before she welcomed her into her house.  Something felt off about it as he took in the sights: standard furniture, open concept, lots of empty space._

_“But my mothers are alive,” said Hermey, continuing quietly. “Does this mean I become an orphan?”_

_“A little bit, yeah.  You’re in foster care when we meet, but your foster father and all of your foster siblings love you a lot.”_

_“What about my foster mother?”_

_Chronos shook his head.  She didn’t have one, but her oldest foster sister acted a lot like a one.  This sibling looked for her when she ran into her next adventure._

_“Wow!” Hermey’s eyes sparkled. “I wanna be just like ‘er when I grow up: someone who doesn’t stop looking for lost family members until I find ‘em!”_

_Chronos chuckled again, silently remising about Fauna doing just that for her neighbor’s lost puppy… and Hermey doing that for Dusto.  To shake himself out of his thoughts, he asked, “Y’ungry?”_

_Hermey nodded and licked her lips, “We have ingredients for sandwiches and cereal and toast!”_

_“Ya want any of those???” something was kicking around in Chronos’s brain about pancakes._

_“No, but I dunno how to make what I want,” Hermey shrugged with dejection. “I dunno even know what it is.” Chronos asked where she heard about it, so she pulled up a browser bookmark for_ [ _Flap My Jack_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7a3SOt8gv6U) _from Drew Carey’s Improv-a-Ganza._

_Chronos chuckled, “....Cub, ‘flapjack’ is just redneck for ‘pancake’.”_

_“Oh!” Hermey perked up before frowning again. “I dunno know how to make those either.”_

_Chronos smirked as he escorted Hermey into the kitchen, “Well, that’s what older siblings are for: bein’ tough and teachin’ stuff!”_

_“....What are younger siblings good for?”_

_“Bein’ cute and learnin’ stuff!” Chronos didn’t miss a beat._

_Her first two pancakes definitely weren’t masterpieces, and neither was the next batch, but she got the hang of it over Chronos’s next few visits.  He also finally figured out what was throwing him off about her house: there were no pictures of her anywhere._

_“Why would there be any pictures of me?  I’ve never done anything important.”_

_Fuck!_

_That!!_

_Shit!!!_

_Hermey tackled her favorite artist into a hug.  She beamed up at him, “I wanna be just like you when I grow up!”_

_“A pariah reliant on charity from family to stay clothed and fed???”_

_“No, silly,” Hermey scoffed at this ridiculous notion. “Someone who does what they love even if nobody else likes it.”_

_Vincent van Gogh frowned happily and accepted Chronos’s commission.  Hermey’s portrait proudly hung above the door to the bridge.  Chronos dropped her off and let Dusto out of the med bay.  Dusto whimpered at yet another tease of his best friend.  Chronos ruffled his mane and inputted a new set of coordinates.  He didn’t banish Dusto to the med bay before he left to pick up Hermey this time._

_He found her sniffling on the porch.  She hadn’t even changed clothes from the funeral: soaked in rain and caked in mud.  She looked up at him, yet water glued her hair to her eyes.  She charged into a hug.  She sobbed so much that she didn’t notice that he’d carried her back to his jumpship.  Dusto tackled her and licked away her tears.  She thought she’d never stop hugging Dusto._

_Years later and freshly empowered, she was sitting up forlornly in the med bay.  At last, she spoke, “....Why aren’t I crying for my mothers?  I remember crying for Dusto....”_

_As much as Chronos was dying to say “your mothers weren’t around enough to miss”, that’s not what she needed to hear right now; so instead, he hugged her and said, “Sometimes, folks are too sad to cry—kinda like how sometimes it’s too cold to snow.”_

Rip hunched over a bar with a beer in hand and an old friend beside him.  They’d come to Salvation when they found Rory and Ellen’s camp incinerated.  Snart robbed a train with the Canaries to acquire funds for the Dakota branch of Saints & Sinners.  Johah Hex moseyed on in a week later to find his old partner moping around a saloon darkened by depression, Dusto’s fur and Boardman’s piano prowess and Stein and White Canary’s card-dealin’ the only things lightening the mood, even if it was just from pitch-black to dark gray.  Saunders, Hall, Black Canary, and Raymond served as bartenders.  Snart only emerged from his office when nobody else was around.  Rip spared no details of his sins against his crew.

Jonah Hex chugged a sip of his brew and slammed his glass against the counter, “Well, now I know how this place got its name.  You’d have to be a saint to put up with your crap.” He slung an arm over Rip’s shoulders. “Sounds to me that losin’ your family’s made you forget how to treat folks like family.”

“And it’s too late for me to relearn.”

“Nah, it ain’t.  They haven’t kicked you out yet for some strange reason,” Jonah chuckled and gave him a noogie. “Bet if you ask that Hermey kid, she’ll teach ya; assumin’ her brother lets you anywhere near her.”

“Ellen and Rory are dead, Jonah.”

“....Nah, they ain’t,” the sheriff chuckled with mischief in his eyes when Dusto dashed out the door barking manically.  Hall ventured forth to retrieve him until the dog reappeared between a fiddler and a man built stout and sturdy like a Rottweiler.

The Legends gasped then remained hauntingly quiet.  They blinked at the duo as if they were dreaming.  Kenny blitzed into a hug, and then group—minus Captain Hunter, who wallowed in worthlessness, and Sheriff Hex: the stranger who toasted Mick and Hermey’s return—surged forth.  All due sobbing ensued.  Ronnie was the last to let go.

Len came halfway down the steps to whip the Legends back in line.  More color shaded his eyelids than his irises.  His frame felt underfed and smelled alcoholic.  He stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted Mick, who simply smirked at Hermey and nodded, “Hit it, Cub.”

Hermey fiddled like someone who’d been itchin’ to run around all their life.  All of Saints & Sinners was her stage.  Dusto hopped on his hind legs in the fleeting moments she stayed in one place.  The rest of the Legends joined in on the chorus and provided a steady river of claps and head bops.  Mick hauled his husband bridal style off the stairs, whirled him around a bit, set him down, and sang like someone who needed to tell their beloved how much they were cherished.  Len melted into Mick like someone who’d never sat down for as long as they could remember.  He let go of Mick’s ring and gave it back with shaky hands.

[ _Now better men than me have failed_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Go7gn6dugu0)

_Drinking from that unholy grail_

_Now check it out, I've got him and he got me_

_And you've got that ass, but I kindly gotta be like_

_Oh baby, no baby, you got me all wrong baby_

_My baby's already got all my love_

_So nah nah, honey I'm good_

_I could have another but I probably should not_

_I've got somebody at home, and if I stay I might not leave alone_

_No, honey I'm good, I could have another but I probably should not_

_I've gotta bid you adieu and to another I will stay true_


	6. Ninjas in Camelot

Rip eyed Hermey’s choice of attire: arrowhead ears, breaches and a vest striped as vibrantly as a circus tent, billowing sleeves, and feathered headgear that was more of a cushion than a hat.  By way of explanation, she stamped her foot on the floor, “I _always_ play Frost Elf bards in Pathfinder!”

Thus, her violin came along to fix a time aberration in a time fragmentation.  No sooner had Rory uploaded coordinates of known time fragmentations than Gideon detected it.  She also highlighted Camelot as a possible location of the Amon Dagger.

They soon located a flyer on a large welcome board in the middle of the city, giving them all the exposition they needed and setting their next destination.  They had to wait a bit because they came unannounced.  King Arthur was tired, Queen Guinevere was amused by these… _intriguing_ band of misfits, and Merlin was more than happy to vouch for them.  He looked at least ten years younger than he did in Agrabah.

“I don’t age, I youthen!” he grinned, wagging his finger.

“So does that mean in our time, you’re jailbait?” Len wondered out loud.

“Nope! I’m Randolf Morgan!”

“You’re _the_ Randolf Morgan!?” Hermey’s shoes thudded against the floor.

“Precisely! That’s why Gandalf’s name sounds so similar to mine.”

Hermey gulped, sniffled, and tightened her posture, “....You better show up soon; HR misses you.”

“I will miss him too, but I can’t come right away or our timelines would disintegrate!  I shall arrive the same day you return, and we shall cheer him up together,” he winked at her.

“Merlin, as much as I trust your boundless wisdom, how can we trust these strangers?” coughed King Arthur.

Queen Guinevere added with her hands in her lap and her gaze lingering on Len, “Yes, they do pass a strong resemblance to an assortment of roving brigands.”

Merlin rolled his eyes and scoffed.  He marched over to Ronnie and Professor Stein, “These are priests of the angel FIRESTORM.”

“There are no angels named FIRESTORM in the Bible,” protested King Arthur.

“Maybe you’re reading the wrong version of the Bible, heathen!” quipped Sara.

“I will not be educated on matters of faith by a woefully underdressed woman.”

“This ‘woefully underdressed woman’,” Merlin warned him, “can slice your throat in her sleep, and her sister is just as dangerous.”

King Arthur rolled his eyes, slumped into his hand propped up against an armrest, and groaned, “I suppose next you’ll tell me the minstrel can captivate miscreants into dancing to her tune?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Wart!” Merlin scoffed again. “She changes people to animals.”

“Oh, so now you’re asking a witch to aid us? Wonderful!”

“Pardon me, oh wise and marvelous king!” Captain Hunter marched forward until his feet were perched on the first stair towards King Arthur’s throne. “Hermey Ellen is not a witch, she’s fantastic; and so is every last member of my crew!  ....I was just like you once—only requesting their assistance because I needed a job done—but you better respect them or they won’t think twice of taking Excalibur as compensation for your words, and I’ll condone it.”

“Then I shall chase you and your crew all across England—nay, across the world—until Excalibur is beside me once more.”

“Send all of your horsemen after us, but the sad truth of the matter is, we’ll outlive you and your line.  Your kingdom falls because you let the love in your heart die.  So concerned are you with social reform that you are blind to upheaval in your own home.  And as for our qualifications,” Captain Hunter flourished his hand at Carter, “good Sir Galahall here has our résumé.”

When Carter said he was knighted twice by the same ruler, he meant once by the real King Arthur and once more by Richard Harris’s King Arthur in 1967.  Hermey busted out her violin while Carter busted out an epic solo.

[ _Camelot, Camelot, in far off France, I heard your call._ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdrEmZ35fxc)

_Camelot, Camelot, and here am I to give my all._

_I know in my soul what you expect of me and all that and more I shall be!_

_A knight of the table round should be invincible,_

_succeed where a less fantastic man would fail._

_Climb a wall no one else can climb._

_Cleave a dragon in record time._

_Swim a moat in a coat of heavy iron mail._

_No matter the pain, he ought to be unwinceable._

_Impossible deeds should be his daily fare._

_But where in the world, is there in the world, a man so extraordinaire?_

_C'est moi, c'est moi, I'm forced to admit 'tis I, I humbly reply_

_that mortal who these marvels can do_

_C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I,_

_I've never lost in battle or game_

_I'm simply the best by far_

_when swords are crossed 'tis always the same, one blow and au revoir!_

_C'est moi, c'est moi, so admirably fit:_

_a French Prometheus unbound._

_And here I stand, with valor untold,_

_exeption'ly brave, amazingly bold,_

_to serve at the table round!_

_The soul of a knight should be a thing remarkable._

_His heart and his mind as pure as morning dew._

_With a will and a self-restraint that's the envy of every saint._

_He could easily work a miracle or two._

_To love and desire he ought to be unsparkable._

_The ways of the flesh should offer no allure._

_But where in the world, is there in the world_

_A man so untouched and pure?_

_C'est moi._

_C'est moi! C'est moi, I blush to disclose, I'm far too noble to lie._

_That man in whom these qualities bloom,_

_c'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I._

_I've never strayed from all I believe._

_I'm blessed with an iron will._

_Had I been made the partner of Eve we'd be in Eden still!_

_C'est moi, c'est moi, the angels have chose to fight their battles below!_

_And here I stand, as pure as a prayer,_

_incredibly clean, with virtue to spare:_

_the Godliest man I know!_

_C'est moi!_

Predictably, Sara snickered at “untouched and pure” and “pure as a prayer, incredibly clean”; nevertheless, Carter’s performance impressed King Arthur.  He surrendered the lastest intel on the ninjas’ movements and sent the Legends on their way.

“You know, since Merlin cast me as Lencelot and you as Galahall, technically, this means you’re my son,” Len shouldered Carter amiably.

“Correct,” Carter’s face lit up with a smile as merry as Christmas.  He nudged Len back, “What would you like for Father’s Day, Daddy?”

Len smiled at him and continued smiling after Aldus joined in and suggested some schemes, excited by the notion of having grandparents.  Kenny added her suggestions.  Mick warned them that Lisa would most definitely butt in—no way were Len and Mick adopting a kid, a kid-in-law, and a grandkid without her hearing about it.

“As much as I’m sure the ninjas would enjoy your music, perhaps it would be better to drop your violin off at the _Waverider_ ,” Rip suggested to Hermey.

She agreed and transformed Dusto into a beast of burden to do it if Merlin hadn’t called out to them, “Hey! Listen!” And just like that, her violin and bow became Twilight Princess’s version of the Hylian Shield and Master Sword—complete with lasers! “Your instrument shall retain this form for as long as you remain in Camelot.”

“Thanks, Merlin!” Hermey beamed from atop Dusto: currently a German shepherd-patterned stallion. “Got anything for the rest of the Legends?”

Bam! Everybody’s armor and weaponry became Legend of Zeldafied.  Len, Laurel, and Aldus got Triforce Heroes blue Link hats; Mick, Ronnie, and Martin got Triforce Heroes red Link hats; Kenny, Carter, and Sara got Triforce Heroes yellow Link hats; and Captain Hunter, Dusto, and Hermey got Triforce Heroes green Link hats.  Apparently, everything would go downhill after Cisco introduced Merlin | Randolf Morgan to Windwaker.

Thus, their epic quest finally commenced… after gathering rumors/generating hijinks at a tavern, quoting the entirety of _Monty Python and the Holy Grail_ , haggling at a weapon shop, stealing all the shinies, raiding for munchies, ordering pizza from Gideon for later, gathering an arbitrary amount of random crap to cure a helpless peasant’s beloved relation, smashing a domestic abuser’s face in, popularizing an anachronism among the natives, playing minigames, and everything else tabletop gamers do before legitimately beginning a campaign.  It was the most fun Rip had in ages!  Rip was laughing with the Legends instead of at them!!!  He was just as sad as the younger Legends when Len said they really did need to move out now.

The ninjas were camping out in a base seized from bandits.  Rip recognized signs of Savage’s fighting style when they trained.  It made sense for him to seek one of the paltry few weapons which could kill him once and for all.  Granted it would be useless in anybody but Kenny or Carter’s hands.  Technically, its inscription stated, “Handled by someone fueled by hate, this dagger shall fall blunt; guided by love for one’s soulmate, it shall succeed to hunt.” So as far as practicality was concerned, only Kenny or Carter could wield it effectively.

“Does it give you a paper cut if you’re guided by ambivalence?” leave it to Laurel to find a loophole while they were scoping out the base.  It had four main areas: an arena, cabins for the captains, the front wall, and an outdoor alehouse.  Red Team captured the arena with crowd control combat, Blue Team slaughtered the captains with stealthy assassination, Yellow Team took down the alehouse with indefatigable ferocity, and Green Team conquered the wall with ranged weaponry.  Mick claimed the shuriken of his fallen foes, and Laurel became fully outfitted in ninja gi.  Sara and Aldus loved pirates, Carter liked knights, Hermey favored bards, Laurel and Mick favored ninjas—who knew???

King Arthur was pleasantly surprised when the Legends presented the leader’s katana as proof of their success, and Queen Guinevere was pleasantly surprised by Len’s outfit.  When the king asked them to name a reward, Rip requested the Amon Dagger, if they had it.  King Arthur shook his brunette head; he honestly had no idea what they were talking about.

Ah, but Merlin did!  He took Excalibur out of its sheath and crashed it against the stone steps, shattering it into its Nth metal core.  Gasps rang throughout the room.  Merlin proudly bestowed it unto Rip after King Arthur knighted all of the Legends with the katana.  The royals bid them adieu while Merlin waved, “See you later!”

The Legends spent the rest of the night pigging out on pizza and _Camelot_.  To absolutely no one’s surprise, Hermey and Carter could perform all of the songs and Rip blacked out from Mick and Sara’s drinking game.


	7. Legends of Tomorrow, Today, & Yesterday

“....Hermey’s usually up by now, isn’t she???” Rip’s eyes wandered around the galley.  The rest of the Legends were cleaning up after breakfast—minus Rip, Dusto, and Hermey’s bowls—oatmeal this morning, kibble for Dusto.  The Legends agreed worriedly.

“If she continues at her current speed, Miss Ellen shall appear shortly,” Gideon chimed in.  Dusto showed up and waited for Hermey by the door.  He barked once impatiently.  Seconds off-cue, Hermey waddled in blearily blinking and trying to suppress a cold speedster’s worth of shivering.

Laurel said with her hand pressed against her junior’s forhead, “Babe, I mean this in a concerned older sibling way, but you don’t look healthy.”

“Miss Gideon, what is Hermey’s body temperature?”

“Scanning... Miss Ellen currently reads as 35.8 degrees Celsius.”

Ronnie hugged her.  Even just half of FIRESTORM felt like a furnace.  Rip, Mick, and Gideon investigated the cause of this.  Gideon reported Hermey’s room to be 21 degrees, yet Hermey’s eyes widened as if she hadn’t gotten the news to ask Gideon diagnose her sensors on day one.  Gideon was apologetically alarmed when Hermey’s room actually read 15 degrees and corrected the thermostat immediately.

Mick knelt down and placed a grounding, calloused hand on Hermey’s shoulder after she and Ronnie maneuvered into seats at the table, “Why didn’t you tell us you were this cold???”

“I’m usually not,” Hermey swallowed some oatmeal and shivered. “Usually, I sleep as a fox, but I was too tired last night to remember to transform.”

“You shouldn’t have to do that, Cub.”

Hermey hunched over her food and could barely look at him.  Mick = Chronos was still trying to slot into her brain like a cube in a round hole.  She pillowed by her bowl when she exhausted the last of her energy eating.

“She can borrow my room!” offered Kenny. “I moved in with Carter ages ago.”

“Yes, you did....” Laurel drawled with evil eyes lasering Carter’s cheeky grin.  The only good thing about Kenny and Carter sharing a bedroom is they drowned out the jungle of noises booming from Len and Mick’s room.  Laurel had no idea why the universe hated her enough to stick her between both parties, but she was fuckin’ sick of it!  She planned on moving into Kenny’s old room as soon as Hermey’s room became livable.

Mick wondered why a bunch of Laurel’s crap was in Kenny’s old room when he settled his cub onto the cot, “Need anything?” She shook her now foxy head and curled in on herself under the covers on a pillow.  Dusto hopped up and settled beside her. “We’re not mad at you, Cub; we’re mad that this happened to you.”

“I should’ve made a general announcement,” guilt tore Rip’s hair out and gnawed his fingernails.  He and Len were in the former’s office to plan their assault on a location which most likely contained Savage’s base.

Len grounded Rip’s shoulder to pause the latter’s pacing, “You’ve got too much on your plate: a dead partner and kid, a crew of crazies, all of our missions, and constant comparisons to the god of time travel which never leave you in a positive light.”

“I...” Rip sighed. “I recruited Hermey because she would comply with my orders even if nobody else did; I never imagined that same passivity would harm her.”

“That’s why you recruit a whole crew—or at least pairs—instead of picking and choosing folks at random: you can rely on their partner’s knowledge of your subordinates,” Len explained calmly.

Guilt of what happened to Mick pushed Rip into his chair, “Have I made one right decision on this mission???”

“Yes,” Len folded his arms behind his back and steadily prowled over to Rip’s desk. “You learned your mistakes.”

_A couple days later...._

Sara donned her pirate garb, and Laurel donned her ninja garb.  Mick went in his Chronos gear and hauled the Hawks before Savage as if Chronos had captured them.  Savage chuckled as he approached his ex-Hunter, “Well done… Heatwave.” Savage stabbed a joint in Mick’s armor before retrieving the Amon Dagger from him and ordering the Hawks into cells and Mick into reconditioning. “Sir Mickramore’s antics in Camelot were a barn to miss.”

Hermey hopped out of Chronos’s pocket as a rat and stole the Amon Dagger, tansforming into a falcon to spirit it away to the Legends and warn them they were heading into a trap.  Savage’s own dagger clipped her wing.  She tried to fend him off as a gorilla.  An initial, one-handed flail kept him at bay for a moment before he cut her off with his infamous agility.  Finally, she tried to scrabble away as a fox, but he pinned her paw in place with his blade and snapped a collar around her neck to lock her form in place.

“I should’ve taken you as well,” Savage trapped her chin to look up at him. “Pilgrim will make an excellent partner for Chronos.” Hermey’s eyes widened while she keened from agony.  She tried to shake her head away from him.  He chuckled and stroked her ears back at this futile effort, “The best benefit of immortality is it lets you learn from your mistakes.”

Savage’s henchmen strapped Mick onto a table and hooked him up to Savage’s patented Torture Your Victims 5000—call now, and we’ll double your order and include free shipping and handling!  Mick hitched and panted as destruction, screams, explosions, and death blazed through his mind.

“Lenny!!!” he roared.  He tugged on any memory he could conjure of his family.  Last time, Vandal preyed on Mick’s friendlessness to create Chronos; this time, Chronos had friends of his own.

It also helped that Len meant it when he said he’d show up five minutes later at most this time.  He freed his husband lickity-split.  Mick leaned on him for a few seconds before reclaiming his armor and heat gun.  The energy rifle… he used it to obliterate the table, then incinerated the energy rifle with his heat gun.

Pirate Canary, Ninja Canary, Superdog, FIRESTORM, and Aldus crawled around the vents and hid behind any nook or cranny to sniff out Kenny and Carter.  Meanwhile, Hunter confronted Savage himself.  Their duel was just as one-sided as last time, minus last-minute intervention by Chronos.

“It’s time you rejoin your family, Gareeb,” Savage smirked.  Rip collapsed onto the floor when Savage released him.  Rip soothed and assured still pinned Hermey as best he could before Savage’s henchmen hauled in Miranda Coburn and Jonas Hunter.  They were a day younger than when they died.  Miranda remained stoically silent; Jonas trembled and whimpered in her arms.  Savage idly twirled the Amon Dagger while eying Rip, “The best benefit of time travel is it lets you kill again and again.  I can kill your family and Legends right now, capture and kill their younger selves, kill you, capture and kill your younger selves, and repeat ad nauseam.” Rip and Jonas screamed when Savage didn’t waste any more time.

The Amon Dagger bounced off Miranda and onto the ground by Rip’s feet.  Rip snatched it up and flung it at Savage’s heart.  Even if it didn’t kill him, perhaps it would stall him enough until the rest of the Legends arrived.

The others invaded in time to hear Savage’s final, incredulous choke.  Jonas was explosively crying, and Rip’s eyelid wouldn’t stop twitching, so Miranda took it upon herself to take charge of the situation—starting with releasing Hermey from Savage’s dagger.  Sara ripped off a portion of her already tattered pirate coat to mummify Hermey’s hand; Sara’s coat looked even more nautical now!

The Legends stampeded back onto the _Waverider_ and punched in coordinates for Central City, present day.  Gideon patched up Hermey’s hand in the med bay.  Hermey flexed her hand with a few violin exercises.  Jonas only left the comfort of his mother to latch onto his father.  Dusto approached Jonas and nudged his hand.  Jonas looked at the dog that nearly dwarfed him.  Dusto barked once and licked him until Jonas released Rip to hug Dusto.

Rip swiveled his chair and addressed his crew with tears in his eyes, “....You helped me saved my family....  Thank you. All of you.” He wiped his eyes, yet just like that, more tears formed. “Oh god, this has been a roller coaster of insanity… but I couldn’t imagine riding it without you.  I apologize for all the pain I caused you and thank you for all the joy you’ve brought me.  Not all of you identify as heroes,” Len and Mick smirked approvingly at this, “but the multiverse is a better place with all you in it.”

The Legends blinked at Rip, exchanged looks with each other, and tackled him into a hug.

The End!!!


	8. Losers of Tomorrow, Today, & Yesterday Commentary

Heyo, y’all! I haven’t done a commentary since STAR Blazers, so fingers crossed, this won’t suck.  The good news is, if you hate commentaries, you don’t have to read this!  You can be on your merry way.

 

I guess the biggest question for repeat offenders would be, “HFE, the other two parts of Fauna Saga are Flash fics; why this isn’t this a Flash fic too???”

Simple. The other two instalments are Flash fics.  This is a Legends of Tomorrow fic.  Minus Cait invading the _Waverider_ for five-ish paragraphs, this fic has no exclusively Flash elements.  Hence, this fic is listed under the LoT fandom instead of the Flash fandom.  This is also why I don’t list this fic under the Arrow fandom despite Sara and Laurel’s presence.  If this fic was on Netflix, it wouldn’t be listed under Arrow or Flash, it would be listed as its own separate thing which is Legends of Tomorrow.

 

FYI, if you can’t stand folks overexplaining things, my commentaries probably aren’t for you.

 

Item #2: fic name.  K9 is the name of the robot dog in Doctor Who, a major inspiration for this fic.  I’ll be honest with you, this fic was 99% conceived to resurrect Dusto and 1% to give Hermey a slightly less fail o’sucky childhood.  The other parent of this fic was my dislike of canon LoT.

My biggest complaint about LoT is that it isn’t Doctor Who.  Like, when any series of Star Trek tackles time travel, I don’t expect an episode of Doctor Who, I expect an episode of Star Trek with time travel in it; meaning time travel, more often than not, is just an excuse or a vehicle to drive the plot.  My favorite episodes of Doctor Who own time travel.  The TARDIS—and by extension, time travel—is not just a vehicle to transport the team from point A to point B; time travel is as much a tool to solve any given episode’s problem as intelligence, quick thinking, kindness, the sonic screwdriver, etc.  With the admittedly few episodes of LoT I’ve half-paid attention to, I didn’t get any of that.  I got a bunch of psychos who had no clue how to remotely work together tripping over each other and everything in sight, trusting and respecting each other as far as they could throw the _Waverider_ , and rampant hostility.  I realize Doctor Who has DECADES on LoT, and I also realize that it’s not fair to demand LoT live up to its elder, but since LoT features time travel as its central gimmick, I expect it to be more than just a gimmick.

 

Item #3 why an ERB-inspired summary? Cuz my original summary sucked and I listen to way too much ERB.  If you like ERB, I have Teddy Roosevelt lined up to summarize a future installment.  I reference everything—including myself—unapologetically, especially _Lilo & Stitch_, so if you haven’t watched that by now, my fics will kick your butt.

 

Well, that’s all I can think of about K9 in general, so I guess I better discuss the actual chapter now.  If you haven’t read a commentary by me before, basically, what’ll go down is I’ll quote some stuff and talk about that or give it some emojis or whatever.  It’s a grab bag.  If I don’t discuss something you’re dying to discuss, or if you wanna comment on my comments, let me know in the comment section.

 

_Which misfit dared to utter, “It’s bigger on the inside”!?_

_Rip looked around at his menagerie and spotted Ellen’s jaw clicking shut and Snart and Rory snickering.  The latter two were going to be wild cards—would most likely steal all of time and space in addition to saving it.  Professor Stein and Lance would be indebted to him after a pit stop to save the other half of FIRESTORM and her sister, respectively.  Saunders and Hall were required to kill Savage.  Ellen was tame already; whatever trouble she caused would likely be a minor inconvenience at best compared to the pandemonium stirred by these other lunatics._

This fic has three primary narrators: Rip, Mick, and Hermey.  Rip refers to himself as Rip and everyone else by last name, Mick refers to everyone except Len and non-nicknamable folks by nicknames, and Hermey starts out referring to everyone as *title, last name* before gradually moving on to first names.  Then by the end, it melts more into my standard 3rd-person, omniscient narration.  Separating Rip from the rest of the crew is a consequence of him focusing almost exclusively on his mission; that’s why his narration leaves out a lot of stuff.  His motto in the beginning is, “if they don’t attract my or anybody else’s attention, they’re on their best behavior”—sort of a laissez-faire style attitude towards downtime.  When he feels like he actually needs them, he becomes ultra-controlling, strict, yada yada yada.

 

_High heels dashed these hopes when they pounded across the Waverider.  Caitlin Snow locked onto Ellen and calmly exploded, “You were just going to leave without telling us???”_

Cait’s here cuz I tagged her in Walleye West yet did absolutely nothing with her.  Plus, she’s totally the type to go all mama bear when her teammates go missing.  The original idea was to have Barry show up and give Len and Mick the lowdown on Hermey, and I tried that, but Barry’s just too nice.  Cait will go for blood, and that’s what she needed to get the message across.  When Barry delivered it, it left too much room for Len and Mick to scoff away his concerns.  Cait just inherently carries more weight than Barry does.  Len and Mick know her well enough that if something’s serious enough to draw out Cait’s powers, you better listen up.

 

_Thus, Rip was cornered into explaining that some folks were more important to the timeline than others.  If Snow was furious before, she was outraged now._

Yeah no… telling someone with self-confidence issues that they’re unimportant isn’t the smartest idea while their friends are around.  Cait’s just about ready to drag Hermey off the _Waverider_ at this point.  She doesn’t need Cisco’s powers to vibe that Rip is bad news for Team Flash’s Lisa.

 

_Snow then demanded the attention of the most responsible people onboard… Snart and Rory, for some strange reason._

Rip has a black and white view of life, which is why he fails to see Len and Mick as responsible people.

 

_Whatever. Rip could always watch the proceedings later._

Rip was gonna be much creepier.  He wasn’t even gonna survive the fic.  He was gonna sacrifice himself to destroy the Oculus, but because I’m lazy, I said “fuck dealing with the Time Masters and their BS” and kept the focus on killing Savage.

 

_They rescued Raymond first for Professor Stein’s sake and then the elder Lance._

I read the wiki.  I have no idea why Rip brought only Sara and not Sara and Laurel.  My guess is budget issues, but that’s an out-of-universe answer, so I invited both Canaries to join the chaos.

Between Martin and Rip and eventually Aldus, the _Waverider_ ’s got science covered.  Hermey’s powers give her pretty much the same functionality as the Atom suit—not to the same extent as Atom, obviously; so far, the smallest thing she’s transformed into is a flea.  And with me ignoring 99% of canon, including Operation: Reincarnating Egyptian Goddess Edition, Ray would’ve just been superfluous.  Plus, I didn’t wanna deal with his train wreck in White Knights/Fail-Safe and the whole fiasco with losing a piece of the Atom suit at the nuke auction or whatever the hell that was.  I read synopses of LoT episodes I knew I wanted to include in K9—I could’ve watched them on Netflix, but actually writing K9 was a better use of my time—yet the stuff I ignored is rather fuzzy.  I also find it amusing that K9 becomes increasingly canon noncompliant as the fic goes on.  You start out with a normal-ish pilot, That 70s episode, the episode after That’s 70s episode, and the Russian episode; then it all goes to hell after that.

 

_Stein breathed easy again and updated Raymond on how their team had been doing.  Raymond acquainted himself with the newbie before getting lost admiring the Waverider’s architecture.  The Lances were caught up in reconnecting with each other to pay much attention to anyone else outside of missions.  Saunders and Hall spent their downtime dodging discussions of their past lives, love or otherwise.  Professor Stein debated the theories behind time travel with Rip after he recovered the health he’d lost due to Raymond’s retconned death.  Rory and Snart presumably stashed their ill-gotten gains around alcoves all over the ship._

Again, Rip’s only paying perfunctory attention to the Legends, so Hermey’s ignored completely since she doesn’t much of a ruckus.  He assumes Len and Mick are stealing crap—and I’m sure they are doing that—but I also believe that they’re playing card games with Sara and mingling with the crew: all the stuff Rip ought to be doing himself.

 

_Saunders talked him into inviting Professor Boardman onboard. Fine.  After all, this mission was intended to rescue his family.  Why shouldn’t it rescue others’ family members as well???_

So if Aldus living and the crew returning to the _Waverider_ safely didn’t clue you in on my alternate plans for Chronos, Hermey’s little mini-adventure must’ve, right? :)

 

_Rip made a call out to his benched minions because naturally, benching them only ensured that they’d go out causing chaos._

Lol

 

_“Yagottalaxa bit, Riiiiiiiiiip,” Rory burped while pulling Ellen in for a noogie. “....Quit pickinon Mozrrr.”_

_“Don’t let cranky ol’ Captain Not Doctor push you around!” White Canary playfully punch-tapped Ellen when Rory released the latter. “You are WOMAN!  You must ROARRRRRR!!!”_

I realize I portray Mick and Sara drunk off their asses, but how much did they actually drink???  Sara took a shot every time Len and Mick switched off, and Mick drank his drink and over 10% of Hermey’s drink… so let’s just say the 70s had stronger drinks than modern bars. <:D

 

_It was the same a look Detective West gave to Wally, Iris, Barry, Cisco, or HR when they were about to do something Brain Dead Stupid™._

Originally, this line just had Iris, Barry, and Wally; but I figured since I make such a big deal that Team Flash is a family that Joe probably would keep an eye on Cisco, Hermey, and HR, too.  Cait doesn’t need eyes cuz she has a normal people level of common sense.  Hermey crumbles to peer pressure; all on her own, she’d still just be finding lost puppies and rescuing kittens out of trees.

 

 _The first time Hermey witnessed it was when Wally introduced her to Chris Rock via_ [ _How to Not Get Your Ass Kicked by the Police_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uj0mtxXEGE8) _._

I’ve also been watching too much Chris Rock lately :)  It’s for a class, I swear!

 

_“Five minutes is plenty of time to miss someone,” Cait grounded Hermey’s shoulder and spoke from experience. “Tell Ronnie I love him.”_

Ugh! Cait feels!

See, folks, can you really feel bad about me ditching Jax in favor of feels???

 

_“I will! Bye, Cait!”_

_“We’re not done yet,” she rolled her eyes and grabbed her again._

lol. This kinda reminds me of a kid going off to camp or something.

 

_The men joined Snow in a room which was laid out like an armory: lots of shelves and weapon racks.  At least Mick hoped they were weapon racks, otherwise ouch >;)_

So yeah, this fic in general contains humors that’s a bit more adult than usual—especially with Sara being characterized as the street-smart lesbian version of Hartley.  I would die if I got into a fight with either of them, but I would be more terrified of running into White Canary in a dark alley than Pied Piper.

 

_“For this exercise, close your eyes and imagine an eight-year-old Lisa,” said Snow. “Now imagine her toddling off to help a mad man in a box with a bunch of near strangers: none of whom have any clue how to work and live together except for a couple of criminals.”_

Drinking game time! Take a shot every time this fic explains stuff in terms of Doctor Who.

 

_Mick was too busy fuming about being a cat to think about it at the time, but the first time Ellen—a rookie who’d cobbled her costume together from an iParty and a yard sale—skipped into their life, one of the first things out of her mouth was, “This guy’s owners are huge Flash fans; wanna come along???  They’ll flip that their favorite hero found ‘im!”_

_....She was willing to let Flash take the credit for her search and rescue.  There’s a difference between a hero and a doormat, and apparently her friends hadn’t succeeded where her parents failed._

Like I said at the beginning of this fic, you don’t **need** to read and comment on Catwave and Walleye West to understand K9… but it’d be nice....  I love interacting with y’all, so interact away!  I also don’t care when you comment; I’d rather have a 100 “late” comments than 10 “on-time” comments.

Okay, granted, any of us would happy to have 100 any kind of comments, but you get my point, right? Great!  I think the most comments I’ve had on a fic so far is 64 for Time and Time Again, and ya gotta keep in mind half of those are me replying to comments; so really, it’s closer to 32.  It doesn’t take much to make me happy.  I consider a fic is successful if it drives readers to discuss it—and I’m not dissing folks who are too shy or just don’t comment on fics; I’ve read lots of lovely fics that I don’t comment on.  If even just one person comments on something I wrote, I’m in awe for days.  Y’all are really nice people, and I look forward to hearing from you :)

 

_It went down like this.  Hunter called for volunteers to brief the class on the Seventies.  Hunter shot Stein down since he’d lived in ‘em.  Did Hunter forget to eat his Wheaties???  That’s like keeping Fire types from fighting Grass-Bug types.  Hunter may have selected this team for their strengths, but he had no clue how to play to them._

So apparently, Mick plays Pokémon or is at least familiar enough with Pokémon to make this comparison.

 

_So Ellen snaked her hand up and admitted, “All I know about history comes from—”_

_She busted out a tablet which snarled, “Epic Rap Battles of History! Captain Cold! Versus! Heatwaaaaaaave! Begin!!!”_

_Raymond and the Canaries keeled over laughing.  Len and Mick listened on in befuddled amusment.  EpicLLOYD as Mick was spot on!  Ellen cranked up the volume until Hunter tried to rerail the meeting, to which Ellen paused the video and countered, “The 70s’ll still be there after the three minutes it takes us to listen to an ERB.  Think of it as our first teambuilding activity!” Ellen faced Len and Mick. “Unless the rappers in question have any objections???”_

_“Hit it, kid,” Len nodded and he and Mick shared a look.  Ellen winced at them like she expected to receive their guns at her head instead of their permission.  If Mick heard any installment of Hitler Versus Vader ever again, it’d be too soon.  Heaven help Mick if Len ever discovered the existence of Deadpool Versus Boba Fett!  God, Len needed a patch for his Star Whatever obsession._

_“Wars! Star Wars, Mick!  Star Wars has wars in it!  Star Trek has treks in it!  I don’t know how you keep messing this up!” Len also didn’t know how hot he was when he nerd-raged._

_Golden Glider ended up butting in just like her real life counterpart often did.  Mick’s only objection to the performance was that Cold’s actor did not embody Len’s body accurately.  Len poked him in the ribs while the rest of the table—minus unamused Hunter, resigned Stein, and confused Ellen—snickered like high schoolers.  Maybe Snow really did send Ellen off to school._

Lol. So for those of you who followed the link and are all like “hey, ERF doesn’t match up with what you described in this fic”, that’s because what the ERB described in this fic relies on in-universe knowledge whereas the ERF busts the 4th wall.

Also, if you didn’t know the difference between Star Wars & Star Trek by now, there ya go.  Len’s so great at explaining things, isn’t he?

 

_They got to a rustic joint—which in a culinary setting means they were at a dump—perfect for their purposes._

‘Kay, so there are two great sins one can commit when describing one’s dish on a cooking competition: rustic and deconstructed.  I believe it was either Simon Majumdar or Alton Brown on Cuthroat Kitchen who say “out of luck, deconstruct”—meaning if you’re claiming your dish is deconstructed, it implies you got hit with so many sabotages and had such terrible ingredients, you went with the last resort method of creating a dish.  You may have perfectly well intended to deconstruct your dish right from the start, just don’t call in deconstructed when you present your dish.  Also, if you’re gonna call your dish rustic, just yourself a favor and call it sloppy instead, cuz that’s what the judges will hear.  Perhaps try saying “rural” or “homestyle” instead???

Whatever you do, don’t call your dish rustic AND deconstructed.  If you’re gonna do that, just throw your dish in the trash.

Also, never spend over $8000 on the first sabotage in the first two rounds of Cutthroat Kitchen, especially the first round.  Brown always pulls out the most intimidating sabotage first, but rest assured, he will unleash something terrifying sooner or later; you don’t wanna come up shortchanged when he does.  Sometimes, he doesn’t use multiple sabotages in the final round, so he brings out something you can’t work around, go crazy.

 

_Ellen started out like a puppy on ice before recovering into a glide and sliding the loser’s wallet into her grasp and letting her sleeve fall loose.  White and Mick hailed the conquering hero while Len smirked victoriously.  Nothing empowered someone like pulling off a successful heist!  Ellen pointed her gaze at her hand before looking back up at Len—carefully keeping the wallet hidden, “What do I do with it, sir?”_

Please please please please please don’t follow my advice on how to pull off your upcoming heists ~~cuz you might get caught~~ cuz crime is wrong.

 

_“Who opens a candy shop across the street from a bar!?”_

_“Saints & Sinners is next-door neighbors with a redneck boutique.”_

_“Kyle’s ain’t a redneck boutique!” Mick protested._

_“It stocks apparel in three colors: foliage, flannel, and breast cancer awareness pink,” countered Len.  White took a shot every time the men switched off._

Lol

 

_Hermey’s jaw unhinged when she spotted someone stirring inside, “Mr. Rory???”_

hahahahaha

You were all like “Nooooooooo!!! Run away run away run away!  ....WTF!?” when y’all first read that, weren’t you???

:) :) :)

_Mr. Rory(?) chuffed amiably as he took the violin, its case, and bow out of the window and set it on the counter beside the cash register. “Take this little guy: comes all the way over from Italy.  His last owner couldn’t get his gamblin’ under control,”_

K9 required a lot of a chore I hate: research.  Reading up on famous violin players led me to Niccolò Paganini, who is apparently the Leonardo da Vinci of violinists.  More importantly, he reportedly lost an Amati—super awesome treasure more expensive than everything all of us own—violin in some type of gambling fiasco.  I interpret that to mean Chronos kicked Paganini’s ass at poker.

 

_Mr. Rory(?) smirked and chuckled too softly for her to hear him, “Travel safely, Cub.”_

STAR Blazers fans might recognize Mick’s nickname for Solnishko.  There will almost certainly be a Knitwit/Fauna Saga crossover sometime in the distant future as well as a STAR Blazers/Fauna Saga crossover.

 

_Mozart deflated just like Lisa did when good-for-nothing Lewis declared that her ice skating lessons were a waste of time since she’d never become a gold medal contender anyway.  All Hunter perceived was uppity insolence, yet Mick caught ice in his husband’s eyes, “No textbook, historian, or activist has ever claimed that a violin from Louisiana circa 1975 is pivotal to world peace and harmony.”_

:(

Also, for whoever’s participating in the drinking game, take a shot every time you see a call back to an earlier line.

 

_“....You can’t call an adult by their first name; that’s rude!”_

_Well, at least she’d rebooted._

_“Look, I know we keep calling you ‘kid’, but legally, you’re an adult.”_

_“That’s like saying The Phantom Menace and A New Hope are both Star Wars movies! No!” Mozart ruffled up and twitched. “You own the building you live in, you can drive, and when the government gets your taxes, they’re like ‘Whoo-hoo! Marshmallow party on Capital Hill!’  When the government gets my taxes, they’re like ‘We can buy a packet of hot chocolate… to share.’”_

Lol

Ah, that awkward age where you can call adults by their first time yet you still feel like a kid, so you don’t feel worthy of the privilege.


	9. Emerald Chaos & Fiduciary Banks Commentary

Chapter title based on the Chaos Emeralds from Sonic the Hedgehog and ‘Fidelity Fiduciary Bank’: a song from _Mary Poppins_.

 

_Rip only took Black Canary with him to sabotage Savage’s finances.  He couldn’t risk Savage recognizing the Hawks; and their child, Ellen, and both halves of FIRESTORM possessed no experience infiltrating high-security installations.  Good grief, what was the point of recruiting a couple of robbers and an assassin if none of them were going to be functional long enough to rob and assassinate!?_

The thing is, I’m sure if Rip ASKED Len and Mick, he would’ve realized at least Len was perfectly functional, if not both of them.  Poor communication kills, y’all.

 

_Mick winced when the chef snarled at his wandering hands, “Those are the gluten free pancakes for Miss Saunders!”_

_Len chuckled when Mick finally saw a nifty little notecard can’t touch this._

lol

 

_Hawkling smiled upon the peach pancakes tasting just like Mom used to make,_

Boardman feels!

 

_White and Black fought over the last of the strawberry pancakes.  Their eyes bloated and their fists paused mid-strangle upon Mozart plopping another batch in front of them._

lol

 

_“Well, younger Miss Lance was drunk at—”_

_Milk dribbled out of White’s nose when Black asked, “So wait, if Sara’s younger Miss Lance, does make me older Miss Lance???”_

_“Yep!”_

_White keeled over cackling.  Folks wondered if her brain was becoming oxygen-deprived.  Black looked down upon her sister when she—her hair a tangle of blonde chaos—crawled back into her seat._

lol

 

_Mozart ducked her head, “I… kinda forgot your first names.  I’m sorry.”_

_“It’s okay, babe, there’s a ton of names to remember around here!” Black waved her off with a smile before flourishing her hand at Hawkling. “We just gotta new one yesterday.”_

_“You could always just make up nicknames,” Mick nudged Mozart’s shoulder. “S’what I do.”_

_Raymond admitted that Skirt and Kilt’s names slipped his mind, and Hawkling knew pretty much nobody except Not Doctor and his parents_

This is what I never get about works with large ensemble casts going on an adventure together for the first time.  Do they wear nametags off screen, cuz I would never remember all of these folks’ names.  All Hermey knows is Len, Gideon, Mick, and maybe Martin, heard of Ronnie and the Canaries; but since I skipped the Legends of Today crossover, she probably doesn’t know Kenny or Carter—she definitely doesn’t know Aldus or Rip.  I suspect Rip just picked them up somewhere out in the midst of rediscovering each other and their powers.  Since this version of LoT doesn’t occur until Flash season 3, she hasn’t met anybody on Team Arrow.

 

_Len’s earned eye rolls I once robbed our neighbors because we were out of milk, and I didn’t want to drive all the way out to the store,_

I would totally do this if I was Len.  Then again, I’m too lazy and easily contented to be Len :)

 

_Kilt’s inspired awe Five of my incarnations have been knighted—two by the same ruler_ ,

Y’all thought this was just a throwaway line, didn’t you??? So did I!

 

_“Yep! He doesn’t have superpowers like he does on the show, but he time travels with my brother.”_

“HFE, why didn’t Hermey mention time-traveling with Chronos or Dusto in the other two fics???”

Cuz I hadn’t written this fic yet.

“And Dusto definitely DIED in the last fic! What the hell???”

Basically, the timelines changed as soon as the Legends boarded the _Waverider_.  And are y’all seriously gonna complain that Chronos brought Dusto back to life?  I didn’t think so.

 

_“Your brother has good taste.  I’d say invite ‘im along ‘cept we’ve run out of seats on the bridge.”_

Awww… Mick accepting Hermey’s weirdness instead of condemning it.  Also, apologies for making anybody hungry during this chapter.  I really wanted pancakes while writing this.

 

_Just then, Not Doctor waltzed in finishing off a pathetic granola bar and tapped Black for an assignment._

_“Go kick ass, sis!” White sent her off with a cheer._

Aww… Sara encouraging her sister.... :) :) :)

 

_“Or a fanfic writer....” fumed Raymond._

_“....There’s nothing wrong with writing fanfiction, Ronald,” Stein assured him._

_“YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE THINGS I’VE SPAAAAAAAWWWWWNED!!!” Raymond hissed before plunking his head on the table.  Stein patted Raymond’s back awkwardly while Raymond’s insecurities conquered Stein’s brain.  White asked what site he used, and within seconds, Mallard_Stoppable gained his 843rd subscriber.  Let Atomic Piper rise!!!_

hahahahaha

 

_“Also, our time-traveling crew includes a would’ve-been-dead man, three resurrected people—one of whom combines with another man to become a warhead—two reincarnating Egyptian deities, a young person who can change creatures and other creatures, and two thieves who intend to better one of their childhoods,” Hawkling reminded them as they finally departed from the galley. “How do we know Chronos is fiction?  I would’ve died had you all not intervened; perhaps Chronos’s existence can also be attributed to our shenanigans.”_

_“If that’s the case, that would explain why Captain Hunter cannot recruit him,” Stein joined the chronobabble with the enthusiasm of a scientist. “Any interference on his part would disrupt if not disintegrate his timeline.  Our present may collide with his past.”_

There is absolutely no excuse to assume something’s implausible or impossible in these kinds of stories.  There’s so much absurdity in real life, never mind fiction, that characters should be given the benefit of the doubt until proven untrustworthy.

 

_It took a bit of shuffling, but on day one, apparently, she and Not Doctor inserted seats between White & Mick’s and Raymond & what was formerly Kilt’s.  Hawkling, naturally, sat between his parents while White claimed Hermey as far back as day one.  Len took the edge seat because he was as prickly as a porcupine when it came to contact from folks he wasn’t family-level comfortable with, so Mick sat between him and Mozart.  Black would’ve bordered her sister on an edge seat if she was here.  Stein sat on an edge seat next to Raymond, who nestled between him and Kilt.  Skirt sat on an edge seat next to Hawkling.  Normally, Not Doctor sat up front._

Okay, so if you look at a season one screenshot of the _Waverider_ bridge with everyone seated, this is potentially legit.  All you have to so is scoot Len and Mick’s seats and Jax and Martin’s seats a bit, an viola! Space for two more seats!

 

_It then occurred to everyone that none of them knew how to fly a timeship.  Gideon offered to pilot it; however, she warned them that the ride would be rockier.  Lightbulbs turned on in Mozart’s head before she scrambled into Not Doctor’s seat and asked Len where they were headed._

You know that awkward moment where you forget you know how to do things? Totally happening right now.

 

_Hermey LOVED ‘A Christmas Carol’ because it featured “the most haunting Ghost of Christmas Future.”_

WHY ISN’T DOCTOR WHO ON NETFLIX ANYMORE!?! WHY!?!?!

 

_Mick spotted a tear in Len’s eye upon realizing that his speech hadn’t affected Lewis, it affected Len.  Golden rings were a terrible consolation prize for a fail o’sucky childhood, but what they represented—a bond as eternal as time—was as priceless as van Gogh’s entire body of work._

I realize every time I write romance, it turns out really freakin’ cheesy, but please just let Len and Mick have this.

 

_Finally, Stein faced Len, “She seems to be under the impression that your trauma invalidates hers.”_

This part of the chapter was born out of a conversation between me and formerlyknownasyay on Walleye West.  I worry all the time that my characters overreact to things and/or their mountains are moleholes, and Yay-sempai assured me Hermey was a valid character.  Once again, if you’re reading this, thank you so much, Yay-sempai *bows*

This part of the chapter was the easiest to write and the hardest to accept.  It has lots of dialog, and I’m all over dialog… but it’s also SUPER SAPPY, and when you think sappy, you don’t think of Len and Mick.  Does it feel forced, or am I letting my insecurities get the best of me again???

 

_“What’s to rebel against?” Mozart’s eyebrows knitted together and her head tilted off to the side in confusion. “I’ve always had plenty of food and books and music and a reliable Wi-Fi connection.”_

I dunno why, but that last line sounds a lot like something Lilo would say.

 

_“This doofus went out and saw Frozen in theaters five times,” Mick counted off. “Once on opening day, once on opening night, once with Lisa, once with me, and once when the singalong version came out.  We own every movie inside and outside of the Disney Vault.  Hart’s a Hunchback of Notre Dame fanatic, Baez likes Beauty and Beast, Lisa’s crazy about Tangled, Axel’s obsessed with Mulan, and James likes Toy Story.  I’m more of a Dumbo fan myself.  We might as well call ourselves the Disney Gallery!” Mick punch-tapped her shoulder. “What’s your favorite, Mozart?”_

STAR Blazers fans may recognize Mick, Len, Lisa, Hartley, Shawna, and Axel’s favorite movies from the JYWM Extended Edition commentary.  I sort of took the idea of a multiverse and ran with it, meaning that I tend to characterize everybody the same across the board minus whatever differences would come about due to the rules of a particular fic.  This also causes me to cross-reference my stuff a lot cuz I forget details all the time.

Ya know what, let’s just make STAR Blazers references part of the drinking game.

 

_“Lilo & Stitch,” she chirped. “Nani’s the best Disney princess ever!”_

See [this post](http://northwestmagpie.tumblr.com/post/96918329394/ilyone-kismesister-friendlytroll) for details.  It’s not mine.  I don’t have a Tumblr cuz I’m a hermit, and I’d have no clue what to do with it if I did have one.

 

_“All of my teachers and some of my classmates did it, my manager does it, Team Flash does it, and now everybody here’s doing it too!  I hate it!  Do you know what an a look means???” Mozart was vibrating like a phone getting a million texts a minute. “It means ‘go away, you weirdo’!”_

Awww….  I think she developed this interpretation of the _a look_ because her mothers did it when she first told them about Chronos.

 

_“Let’s get back to our Whoathon!” White suggested with a shot in each hand.  Raymond refilled their bowls of munchies: popcorn, M &Ms, and cheese doodles._

Good grief, is there ever not food in this fic???  I must’ve been starving while I was writing this.

 

_Then it finally occurred to Mick that mayyyybe it was cuz Mozart had known him for all of two days, minus the time they spent on opposite sides.  Mick was a lotta things, but a snuggle-rapist wasn’t one of ‘em… or any kinda rapist at all.  Why do thoughts hard to word…?  Is any parta that sentence right???  Damn you, Eleven and your superfluous hand gestures!_

Lol

I warned y’all Mick’s blood alcohol level would affect his narration :)

 

_“I don’t mean sex, kid, Lenny’s got 10 good reasons why this ain’t about that.”_

_On cue, Len balled his fists.  Lucy van Pelt would approve._

hahaha Charlie Brown reference for the win!

 

_“Um… never?  Barry and Iris are married, so that’d be weird; and Wally’s dating Miss Wells-Morgan, and Cisco’s dating Miss Snart, so that would also be weird.”_

This line makes me think of Rapunzel from _Tangled_ and her polite style of explaining things.

 

_“No offense, kid, but a few hugs a day won’t disintegrate sixteen years of marriage,” Len assured her. “Ask him for hug, it’s good practice.”_

Okay, so I know Wentworth Miller is like a billion years old, but I don’t ascribe to actor age = character age.  I’m terrible at estimating ages, so I just pick a plausible number, and the number I picked for Len is 31 when the particle accelerator exploded.  Assuming 3 years have passed (one for each season of Flash), he’s 34 now.  Currently, Mick’s 37.  They either legitimately married or at least considered themselves married starting when Len turned 18; that gives us sixteen years of criminal husbands.

 

_The spirals on both ends were bent, and the cover was hanging on by the middle notches and faith.  It featured the cat in question winking and wearing thick, pink nerd glasses, tons of hearts and rainbows, and the caption, “Purrfect the way I am!”_

I’m almost certain this Hello Kitty Notebook has received a more elaborate physical description than Hermey has at this point.  If memory serves, all we know about her relates back to her pre-Team Flash Fauna costume.

 

_“Look, Scarlet and the gang are great, but if they haven’t taught her that it’s okay to ask ‘em for a hug by now, they have failed her as friends,” Mick resumed ranting as he shimmied into his why-are-we-washing-this-instead-of-throwing-it-away schlub tank top.  It had more stains than its original color and more holes than its original fabric.  Len tolerated it only because the last time he complained about Mick’s fashion sense, Mick burned Len’s half of their closet.  Nothing ruins the honeymoon phase faster than borrowing your partner’s clothes for a week._

_Len donned his Frozen pajamas: a gag gift from last Christmas.  He turned the tables on James by wearing them often and willingly.  The pants were loose, fuzzy, and patterned with snowflakes.  Elsa smugly conjuring a snowflake in her palm on his long-sleeved tee reminded him of wielding the cold gun against the Flashes._

Do I need to say “STAR Blazers reference” at this point???  Also, anybody who’s playing the drinking game has probably blacked out at this point. Sorry not sorry.

 

_She rushed through throwing on her pajamas: shorts in Chronos black, a tee with Superdog’s D diamond, and fuzzy slipper boots.  She slipped into the chair at her desk, clicked a pen, and read her assignment._

It just occurred to me, “Why the hell is she putting on pajamas if she’s just gonna sleep as a fox anyway???”  ....Pajamas feel comfy, I guess?


	10. The Ratty Prison Break of '86 Commentary

_Once again, fate took immense pleasure in derailing Rip and Snart’s best laid plans.  Boardman’s hunch that Savage favored the Soviets in the Cold War was accurate, so Rip pinpointed a way in—Valentina Volstok—and intended to sway her as a private investor.  This was actually a bait-and-switch: present himself as an ignorant businessman to accentuate Snart’s suave guile.  He pickpocketed her ID card by the end of the hour._

I know I mentioned my desire to avoid Ray’s train wreck of a seduction earlier, but I figured it bore repeating here.  I honestly don’t remember all that much about it, but I like to avoid as many “my god, what are you doing, you idiot???” moments as possible.  I like to write under the assumption that characters are capable of behaving intelligently, so I figured Rip and Len could achieve the same results with less hassle.

 

_Raymond and Rory were thrown into the gulag while Professor Stein was being interrogated for the FIRESTORM formula._

Why is only Martin being interrogated for the FIRESTORM formula and not Ronnie _and_ Martin???  I don’t know.  Maybe Savage and Volstok figured Ronnie wouldn’t know it due to his youth???  The out of universe reason for them being separated is because he’s a logical replacement for Ray in the gulag.  I could’ve gone with Rip or Carter I guess, but Rip probably would’ve just let the guards torture Mick since Mick’s just here as a package deal with Len, and I wanted Rip’s team to be as not outnumbered as possible when they went to bust out Martin.  Ronnie was gonna be incapacitated anyway, so what was his time in the gulag gonna do, make him sicker???

 

_Rip’s life blitzed by until an emerald laser charged in from the distance._

This probably helped Savage figure out that Chronos has betrayed him.

 

_Ellen stared at him with wrathful eyes burning through him until her knuckles whitened._

_The mutt flung Rip against a wall with a modified Canary Cry.  Ellen pounced on him and didn’t stop punching him until Rory ripped her off._

You could argue that Hermey’s just following Len’s orders here.  Regardless, go Hermey, go!

 

_Black Canary pulled him up and set him in a cot next to Raymond, who was shaking in a fitful sleep on a cot next to Professor Stein, who paused reading to look up at them—his free hand never leaving Raymond’s sweaty hair._

Poor Ronnie....

 

_Once Rip had sufficiently bandaged himself up, she cuffed him, “That was a low blow.”_

Go, Laurel!

 

_“And she could’ve transformed into any animal and snapped your neck or transformed you into an animal and stomped you flat, but she didn’t do either of those things, did she, Captain?”_

This is why the nicest and/or calmest people tend to end up with the most dangerous powers: because they won’t go ballistic on every little thing that ticks them off.  Moral of the quote: don’t mess with heroes unless you have a death wish.  Like Barry, Wally, and Jesse could insta-death anybody they want for no effort.  Hermey could potentially crush you, eat you, or any of the gazillion fates which befall fools who interact with an angry animal.

 

_“....I can transform folks in animals just fine, but changing them back into humans never works.”_

Folks may remember this little problem popping up in the last two installments.  I suspect HR and Team Flash got her to the point where she can shapeshift herself at will, but shapeshifting others back into humans is still giving her trouble at the beginning of this fic.

 

_“It may not seem to be an accomplishment in the grand scheme of things, but what you’ve written off as a task as mundane as breathing is in actuality a milestone brought about through innumerable hours of practice.”_

Go, Martin!

 

_But if that was the case, why and how did Ellen attract and retain the attention of a Time Master or Pirate?  This required an intense investigation._

Okay, so in this universe, the Hunters—or more accurately, Hunter—is Savage’s response to Rip’s vendetta against him rather than the Time Masters being assholes.  Rest assured, the Time Masters are still assholes in this universe, just not psychotic assholes.

 

_“Miss Ellen has thought of a suitable destination: Jazz Age Agrabah.”_

_Rip blinked and dropped his jaw at speeds worthy of Flash, “When!?”_

Sultan Jazz, she’s got pizazz, Jasmin Agrabah!

She’s got wit that doesn’t quit, definitely!

 

_“Yeah!” Hermey insisted as she accepted a sandwich with an egg patty, cheese, and bacon._

Now I want a breakfast sammich....  This fic is so cruel to my stomach T_T

 

_Laurel turned her sister’s list upside down and sideways, yet she still couldn’t read it, so Sara was doomed to type hers up.  Sara slogged towards the office with a dramatic groan.  She returned from her epic quest with a list in size nine-billion font to make up for the difference between the length of a written page and a typed page._

Lol

 

_They finished just in time to buckle up for their next destination: Russia, 1986.  There was a good half a foot of snow outside._

Okay, so I’ve seen screenshots of the episodes in question, and I know there’s a distinct lack of snow in them.  I also know that it’s not always snowing in Russia.  I also don’t care.

 

_Cub bolted up from her snow angel, transformed into a snow leopard, and stared up at him stupidly.  He returned her gaze with the human equivalent of a Mac’s spinning beach ball of death and watched her prance around without a care in the world.  Mick marched back into the Waverider and groaned when Len smirked, “Something tells me Ellen’s got good taste in fur coats.”_

ERB reference! Bill Gates Versus Steve Jobs.

A+ to Len for punning.

This little mini-scene is inspired by an incident on campus.  So it was snowing/blizzarding one morning, and apparently one of my classmates saw me chilling out and romping around out there.  When we next met, he described me as smiling like a kid on Christmas.

 

_Black called Cub in for training.  She folded her arms when Cub looked up at her with puppy dog eyes, “Cute, but no.  I’ve been a firstborn since before you were born.  You may continue playing after today’s session.” Cub didn’t budge and turned up the ante. “Don’t make me count to three on you.”_

As the oldest of three, you become exponentially immune to younger siblings’ beguiling charms.

 

_The room became quiet for a minute.  Finally, Stein came up with, “I would reason that Chronos knows the difference between sparring and a true fight.  He’d want you to practice._

_There’s a high likelihood we’ll encounter Savage in this era,” added Kilt. “My feathers have felt out of place since we’ve arrived, and my mace weighs heavier in my hand.”_

Originally, all of this was a Carter line, but I broke it up to give Martin a chance to accept Chronos’s possible existence.

Carter and Kenny were the most difficult to characterize.  Sara’s Buttercup, Laurel’s Blossom, and Hermey’s Bubbles.  Reading the Arrowverse wiki and some fanfics in preparation for this fic, Kenny came off as “the normal girl”, which is difficult to make stand out in an ensemble cast.  Kenny doesn’t even have a personality section on her wiki page; so I settled for courageous, curious, and compassionate.

Carter does have a personality section on his page, so I went with “a man beyond time”—his mannerisms and way of carrying himself are older than an average mid-twenties person.

 

_Not Doctor and Len returned with what’s-her-face’s wallet and, apparently more importantly, her security card._

*Me trying to research for this chapter: uh… what’s that lady’s name again???*

Mick already implied he wasn’t super great with names anyway, so I figured he wasn’t gonna remember Volstok’s name.  Heck, I only remember it cuz I copy and pasted it into my notes.

 

_Goddamn heroes: always takin’ a hit for the rest of their crew._

Y’all might reference this quote from the Invasion ultra super mega crossover.  I used it cuz I saw it on Mick’s wiki page and was like, “Alright, sure!”

No, the IUSMC didn’t happen in this universe.  I got another fic all over that.  I might publish if the next part of Fauna Saga takes too long to write, but I kinda wanna focus on Fauna Saga for now since I have a bunch of ideas rattling around for it.

 

_Ronnie was shaking and shivering when the guards marched into their cell.  He collapsed onto a cot as soon as they left.  Something was going down on Stein’s end—a cocktail of torture and a marathon of drugs.  The Soviets wanted the formula to make their own FIRESTORM._

_“Hang in there, kid, Lenny’s coming,” Mick hugged him tight when the latter breathed as if he was choking and sweated as if he’d been sprinting for the past hour._

Poor Ronnie T_T why must I torture everyone so???

 

_A cold war began on the Waverider after Carter, Len, and Captain Hunter retrieved blueprints for the gulag.  Captain Hunter and Len both claimed to need Hermey.  Doesn’t Captain Hunter have enough folks already???  Hermey’s head snapped between them until she gingerly sidled over to Len’s side of the bridge._

Okay, as I understand it, the Cold War got its name from how neither side fought a legit battle.  It basically Communism versus Capitalism.  The US fought to contain Communism because here in America, our main motto is “If it ain’t American, it’s EEEEVILLLLLLLLL!!!”  Our secondary motto is “If it poked us or won’t give us its oil or sell its oil dirt cheap, NUKE IT INTO SUBMISSION!!!”  Russia was all like, “Yo, there are other ways of doing things.  Just cuz you’re doing them a certain way doesn’t automatically make it the best.  Look no further than the Great Depression.”  Japan joined in and was like, “You jerks got us addicted to opium!  We’re kickin’ your Imperialist asses outta here!  You gave us and our descendants cancer and nuked two of our cities cuz we bombed _one_ harbor. Jesus! WTF, USA!?”  Please consult an actual historian and/or non-wiki history resource for a legit account of history.

 

_“You’ve got two Canaries and three Hawks,” Len reminded him. “If you need a larger crew than that, my crew and I’ll be along shortly to save your asses.”_

Go, Lenny!

 

_Hermey changed Len and Mr. Rory into rats and Ronnie into a mouse.  Len and Hermey set Ronnie onto Mr. Rory’s back.  When they filed into a line, Hermey squeaked, “Eep, eep, eep eep eep.  Eep, eep, eep eep eep.”_

I rendered the ratty dialog in eeps cuz I felt like being extra annoying while writing this, and I don’t feel benevolent enough to go back and throw the translations in; that’s why I stuck ‘em in at the end of the chapter.  One eep = one syllable.  Nothing’s capitalized after the first e in the first eep in a sentence.  Also c’mon, guys, ARE Y’ALL NOT ENTERTAINED!?!  They’re escaping the **gulag** as **rats** :) :D :3  Time  & Time Again is a whole fic of fun, but this and Ninjas in Camelot are chapters of fun.  Ninjas in Camelot slightly edges out Ratty Prison Break because Rip doesn’t ruin it by being insensitive, but this operation is hysterical.

 

_“Eep eep eepeep eep eep eepeep eep eepeep eep eep eepeep eepeepeep eepeepeep,” Hermey replied. “Eepeepeep eep eepeep eep eep eep eep eep eep eep eep eep eepeepeep eep eepeep eep eep eep eep.”_

Despite my limited understanding of science and the Laws of Everything holding no legal authority over superheroes, I figured there should be some of those behind Fauna’s powers.  And later, we found out folks don’t even need to be _alive_ for her to affect them! Damn, Fauna’s OP.

 

_Hermey’s ears swiveled as the men awaited her all-clear signal, “Eep!” Len crawled under the gap. “Eep!” The men rolled Ronnie out. “Eep!” And out went Mr. Rory._

This, in my not-so-humble opinion, is the amusing kind of funny: snicker-worthy!

 

_Hermey scrambled towards it, “Eepeep!”_

_It licked Hermey furiously before turning its attention to Mr. Rory.  Len braced himself to feel the love yet sagged in relief when it didn’t come._

_“Eep eep eepeep eep eepeepeep!” she turned around and explained to the group. “Eepeep eepeep eep eep.”_

_She helped Ronnie onto the toboggan and under a quilt.  The others settled under the quilt with him.  Dusto’s ears flopped with gusto as he found the Waverider without so much as a pause to ask for directions._

And now the moment I’ve been waiting for: YAY! DUSTO’S BACK!!!

 

_He immediately noticed Dusto, “....What is that???”_

*Rip rides in on pink tricycle* That is the ugliest thing I ever saw!

*Arthur & Guinevere ride in on tricycles* Yeaaah!

 

_Ocular waterfalls, whimpering, and sniffling commenced, “....I miss him.  He… he’s from my future.  He wears armor so I won’t treat his past self differently.  A week before we left, he reminded me that he could be anybody....  ‘Anybody’ includes Captain Hunter.”_

_“....That’s bullshit!” Mick. Did. Not. Share... Ever! Especially not with assholes! “It is not up to you to reform your abuser, it is up to him to earn redemption.”_

Protective wolf Mick has entered the building!

 

_“No!” Cub wriggled out of his grasp and frowned at him. “A chronic liar would never become sultan of the real Agrabah!  Aladdin’s just a myth made up by misogynists.”_

_“So wait, Jazz’s old man is still on the throne?”_

_“No, he stepped down due to old age.  He and Merlin advise the new sultan.”_

_“Merlin? As in Camelot Merlin?”_

_“Merlin remembers the future, so probably.  Chronos and I were surprised too, but that’s the name he wanted after Jazz freed ‘im.”_

_“Merlin of Camelot was the genie in the lamp?”_

_“And now he’s the genie out of the lamp,”_

If anybody out there’s still trying to argue that I’m a sane person, try and overcome this counterexample.

Merlin “remembers the future” is a line from 1967 _Camelot_.

 

_“You need advice on how to be an older brother?” Len set his reading aside and looked his husband straight in the eye. “Pick up where her actual older brother left off.”_

Lol

This TOTALLY ISN’T FORESHADOWING AT ALL, why do you ask???

;D


	11. Pirates of the Jordan River Commentary

Chapter title inspired by Pirates of the Caribbean.

 

_Tension simmered throughout the bridge when Hermey arrived the next morning.  Everybody else had already assembled.  Laurel, Sara, Kenny, Carter, Len, Mick, and Dusto were ready to attack Captain Hunter the instant he tried something stupid._

“HFE, we get why you benched Rip, but why are Ronnie and Martin still healing???”

Because large ensemble casts are chaotic and difficult to deal with.  That’s why everyone’s split up so often: so I only have to deal with as few lunatics at a time as possible.  I love writing them, but my fics tend to become claustrophobic rather quickly.

 

_“It’s a time fragmentation....” her posture was still a bit hunkered, and her eyes were redder than normal. “Chronos says that means Time Masters can’t find it.”_

“HFE, what about Salvation???”

Well, technically, the Time Masters didn’t discover it; Jonah Hex did.

 

_“I see....” Captain Hunter said as he offered her his seat.  He met some hostility taking hers. “Is your brother a Time Master or a Time Pirate?”_

In Rip’s mind, the only time travelers out there are Masters and Pirates.  There are also speedsters, but more often than not, they act like Pirates.

 

_“You always liked this song....  If I could talk to you, I’d ask you why; but I like it cuz it shows Lilo and Stitch and Nani and everyone else having fun and spending time together.”_

“YOU MEAN VANDAL SAVAGE COULDN’T PROGRAM MICK DEEPLY ENOUGH TO NOT CRACK FROM AN ELVIS SONG!?!”

Oh shut up.

 

_Dusto’s tail thumped against the cot, flicking mud against once stainless white sheets.  The poor boy howled for Hermey before slumping completely.  He whimpered up at Chronos, who plopped a bowl of food in front of him.  Dusto didn’t budge._

Dusto feels!

 

_A merchant welcomed and waved them over to his stall as soon as he spotted them, “Salaam and good morning to you, worthy friends.  Please, come closer!” Hermey and Kenny humored him; although admittedly, a few trinkets on his shelves caught their eye. “Welcome to Agrabah: city of mystery, of enchantment, OF THE FINEST MERCHANDISE THIS SIDE OF THE RIVER JORDAN ON SALE TODAY!  COME ON DOWN!!!” Sara snickered at Hermey and Kenny’s startled expressions.  This dude could go from zero to fifty then back to zero in half a second.  He tried to sell them a combination hookah/coffee maker/fry julienner, Dead Sea Tupperware—i.e. a box he opened a crack and raspberried as proof of its freshness—and when Len turned to move on, the shortie zipped out in front of him, “Wait! Don’t go!  I can see that you’re only interested in the exceptionally rare!  I think that you would be most rewarded to consider,” he zipped a tea pot out of his billowing sleeves, “this!” He waved his hand out across the landscape with a faraway gleam in his eyes. “This is no ordinary lamp!  It once changed the course of a young woman’s life—a young woman who, like this lamp, was more than what she seemed—a diamond in the rough.  Perhaps you would like to hear the tale???”_

Basically, I plunked the Legends into the opening scene of _Aladdin_.

 

_“My only complaint is that thieves don’t get their hands chopped off,” the merchant rolled his eyes. “Then again, poverty and crime are at an all-time low, so nobody needs to steal anymore.  Our sultan takes great pride in listening to and learning from everyone; the only problem is—although it’s more of a minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things—the palace has been closed for over a week now.” Hermey jumped to attention at that.  The merchant leaned in behind his counter. “Rumors are going around that she’s come down with the flu, but I think it has something to do with those shifty types that blew in like a sandstorm just before the palace closed.  They smelled like mischief the moment they came through the gate.  They headed straight for the palace, and nobody remembers seeing them leave.”_

Come for the Dead Sea Tupperware, stay for the exposition!

 

_“Hermey!” A woman in a cyan hijab and her mid-twenties rushed into a hug.  A hawk-adorned staff never left her grasp.  She smiled at Hermey as if years’ worth of stress melted off._

If I remember correctly, Jasmine needed to marry by her eighteenth birthday, so assuming that’s when Chronos and Hermey derailed _Aladdin_ , it’s been a couple years from Jasmine’s perspective since Hermey’s last visit.  I imagine this was Hermey’s first piloting lesson.

 

_A brigade of bandits came roving in demanding I relinquish unto them an artifact called the Staff of Horus.  Their contractor apparently told them it was in my possession.  When I regretfully informed them of my ignorance regarding their treasure hunt, they became as uppity as a gaggle of monkeys, so Merlin and I enchanted the palace doors to prevent them from leaving._

Let’s just all A) pretend that the Staff of Horus can do this crap and B) Jafar somehow found and figured out how to wield the Staff of Horus.

 

_“But if you still need paperwork,” scrolls of schematics popped into Merlin’s hands before the genie rolled them out onto the table, “I am more than capable of providing for all of your paper cut needs!”_

lol

Can you imagine Merlin | Genie | Randolf Morgan tutoring Arthur?

 

_“I will not throw my friends or allies into a situation I would not dare tread myself,” said Jazz._

_“I’m here for the halftime show!” quipped Merlin.  Len gave him an evil eye when Merlin produced a bag of popcorn and replaced his fez with a soda can hat.  Merlin snickered and clapped his snacks away.  Len gave him another evil eye when he realized that the soda can hat had ended up on him.  Sara gave Merlin a high-five._

Jazz being all noble and stuff—Merlin being a troll :D

 

_They wiped them on his coat and Sara claimed his eyepatch as a trophy._

_Sara became fully decked out in a longcoat, buckled boots, and a skull-and-bones hat by the time they reached the main force out in the throne room.  Professor Boardman tied a Jolly Roger flag around his neck like a cape._

Lol

 

_Mick was as captivated as a dragon under the effects of goldlust._

Battle of the Five Armies reference!

 

_A horse roared and decked Mick._

Admittedly, I know nothing about horses except that if you kicked by a horse, you’re going down!

 

_Sara scratched behind Dusto’s ears, “Good boy, Dusto, using your Canary Cry to save our buddies!”_

_“It’s not a Canary Cry!” Kenny’s fangirl sensibilities were severely offended. “Obviously, it’s a Superdog Howl!”_

Lol, nerdiness

 

_“Nor would I call you kind,” Jazz retorted. “If I am correctly informed,” she tapped his chest with the beak of her staff, “your actions drove one of my friends to despair!  Another one has a message for you.”_

Go, Jazz!

Rest assured, the tale of Chronos and Hermey’s first trip to Agrabah shall be told.

 

_A misty hologram of an obsidian-armored man took up more space on the bridge than Merlin._

Keep pretending the Staff of Horus can do this crap.

 

_“....Lisa, if you steal those earrings, they’ll clash with your heels—the ones with sparkly sprinkles!” Len groaned before rising onto his forearms._

Lol: my take on “5 more minutes, Mom” awakening.

 

_If he remembered info from Len’s recon—aka threatening to bury Ramon as a too little, too late retardant against the boy dating Lisa_

Lol

 

_Chronos reappeared, “So you’re the mook who has no idea how to do my job._

Lol

 

_The other thing ya gotta keep in mind is we all mess up—and yeah, you dragged some folks down with you—but the important thing is to learn from your mistakes and move on.  Bad events can have good consequences, and good events can have bad consequences.  No matter what happens, we gotta keep moving forward cuz we can’t go back, and staying in one place forever ain’t healthy.”_

Awwwwww <3 <3 <3

Also, STAR Blazers reference!

 

_An electronic board and buttons labeled with everyone on Team Flash’s chibified faces thickened it.  Pressing the buttons narrated the text in the owner of the face’s voice.  The cover featured chibi!Dusto in his Superdog gear playing fetch with chibi!Fauna._

Awwwww <3

 

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY!  WE LOVE YOU, HERMEY!!!_

_HR ~ Happy birthday, HE :D :) :3_

_BARRY ~ :3_

_IRIS ~ <3 <3 <3_

_CAIT ~ your birthday’s something to celebrate, Hermey_

_CISCO ~ yur gum iz almost as awesome as u_

_JOE ~ don’t lose your happy attitude, kid_

_WALLY ~ happy 19th, White Friend :P_

Awwwwwww

So

many

call backs!

HR wrote _Dusto the Superdog_ in the style of Doctor Seuss because I figured that meshed with Hermey’s youthful spirit.  And while we’re on the subject of the story-within-a-story, awwwwwwwwwwwwwww….


	12. Burning Love Commentary

If y’all don’t remember where I got this chapter’s title from, you didn’t pay as much attention to this fic as you think you did.

 

_“Cuz I’m hungry, dammit.  ‘Cept now, we got enough to feed the whole crew....  Chronos teacha how to start a fire?”_

Absolutely not cuz that would be completely ridiculous!

 

_She saw stars—and Mick being led up a ramp into the ship—from Vandal Savage’s next blow.  She reached out to morph Mick into a bear, an elephant—anything their foe couldn’t possibly fight—to no avail.  She felt for a ship that was no longer there._

_Chronos picked her up gently when he arrived moments later.  She burrowed into him and cried as much for Mick as much as she did for Dusto._

_“He’s gonna be fine, Cub,” Chronos assured her as he rubbed her back.  Hermey gasped when Chronos revealed his face after all these years._

Awwwww, poor Mick T_T

 

_“But my mothers are alive,” said Hermey, continuing quietly. “Does this mean I become an orphan?”_

_“A little bit, yeah.  You’re in foster care when we meet, but your foster father and all of your foster siblings love you a lot.”_

Awwwwwwwww

 

_“Wow!” Hermey’s eyes sparkled. “I wanna be just like ‘er when I grow up: someone who doesn’t stop looking for lost family members until I find ‘em!”_

Awwwwwww

 

_Chronos smirked as he escorted Hermey into the kitchen, “Well, that’s what older siblings are for: bein’ tough and teachin’ stuff!”_

_“....What are younger siblings good for?”_

_“Bein’ cute and learnin’ stuff!” Chronos didn’t miss a beat._

Awwwwwwww

 

_He also finally figured out what was throwing him off about her house: there were no pictures of her anywhere._

_“Why would there be any pictures of me?  I’ve never done anything important.”_

_Fuck!_

_That!!_

_Shit!!!_

>:(   D:<

 

_Hermey tackled her favorite artist into a hug.  She beamed up at him, “I wanna be just like you when I grow up!”_

_“A pariah reliant on charity from family to stay clothed and fed???”_

_“No, silly,” Hermey scoffed at this ridiculous notion. “Someone who does what they love even if nobody else likes it.”_

_Vincent van Gogh frowned happily and accepted Chronos’s commission.  Hermey’s portrait proudly hung above the door to the bridge._

I realize this doesn’t hold a candle to Doctor Who’s VvG episode, but awwwwww….

 

_Dusto whimpered at yet another tease of his best friend.  Chronos ruffled his mane and inputted a new set of coordinates.  He didn’t banish Dusto to the med bay before he left to pick up Hermey this time._

Poor Dusto....

 

_Years later and freshly empowered, she was sitting up forlornly in the med bay.  At last, she spoke, “....Why aren’t I crying for my mothers?  I remember crying for Dusto....”_

_As much as Chronos was dying to say “your mothers weren’t around enough to miss”, that’s not what she needed to hear right now; so instead, he hugged her and said, “Sometimes, folks are too sad to cry—kinda like how sometimes it’s too cold to snow.”_

Despite this being in my internal outline for this chapter, this scene didn’t actually materialize until I got to this part of the commentary. Whoops.  Fellow humans, I am fallible.

 

_Rip hunched over a bar with a beer in hand and an old friend beside him.  They’d come to Salvation when they found Rory and Ellen’s camp incinerated.  Snart robbed a train with the Canaries to acquire funds for the Dakota branch of Saints & Sinners.  Johah Hex moseyed on in a week later to find his old partner moping around a saloon darkened by depression, Dusto’s fur and Boardman’s piano prowess and Stein and White Canary’s card-dealin’ the only things lightening the mood, even if it was just from pitch-black to dark gray.  Rip spared no details of his sins against his crew.  Saunders, Hall, Black Canary, and Raymond served as bartenders.  Snart only emerged from his office when nobody else was around._

Awwwww…

 

_“Sounds to me that losin’ your family’s made you forget how to treat folks like family.”_

_“And it’s too late for me to relearn.”_

_“Nah, it ain’t.  They haven’t kicked you out yet for some strange reason,” Jonah chuckled and gave him a noogie._

Awwww…..

How obvious is it that I didn’t watch the episode with Hex in it???

 

_The Legends gasped then remained hauntingly quiet.  They blinked at the duo as if they were dreaming.  Kenny blitzed into a hug, and then group—minus Captain Hunter, who wallowed in worthlessness, and Sheriff Hex: the stranger who toasted Mick and Hermey’s return—surged forth.  All due sobbing ensued.  Ronnie was the last to let go._

_Len came halfway down the steps to whip the Legends back in line.  More color shaded his eyelids than his irises.  His frame felt underfed and smelled alcoholic.  He stopped dead in his tracks when he spotted Mick, who simply smirked at Hermey and nodded, “Hit it, Cub.”_

Awwww….

 

_Mick hauled his husband bridal style off the stairs, whirled him around a bit, set him down, and sang like someone who needed to tell their beloved how much they were cherished.  Len melted into Mick like someone who’d never sat down for as long as they could remember.  He let go of Mick’s ring and gave it back with shaky hands._

More sappy romance—ugh!

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3


	13. Ninjas in Camelot Commentary

Chapter title inspired by Doctor Who’s Dinosaurs on a Spaceship.

 

_Thus, her violin came along to fix a time aberration in a time fragmentation.  No sooner had Rory uploaded coordinates of known time fragmentations than Gideon detected it.  She also highlighted Camelot as a possible location of the Amon Dagger._

See! SEE!? This chapter is 100% plot-relevant and not at all an excuse to wreak havoc in Camelot!  Since I skipped whatever canon episode the Legends retrieved the Amon Dagger in, I had to write one where they did.  Also, they were going to fight zombies in Camelot and ninjas in Agrabah, but I like ninjas better than zombies; so the ninjas migrated to Camelot, and the Time Pirates invaded Agrabah.

 

_“I don’t age, I youthen!” he grinned, wagging his finger._

This is another line stolen from 1967 _Camelot_.

 

_“So does that mean in our time, you’re jailbait?” Len wondered out loud._

_“Nope! I’m Randolf Morgan!”_

_“You’re the Randolf Morgan!?” Hermey’s shoes thudded against the floor._

_“Precisely! That’s why Gandalf’s name sounds so similar to mine.”_

_Hermey gulped, sniffled, and tightened her posture, “....You better show up soon; HR misses you.”_

_“I will miss him too, but I can’t come right away or our timelines would disintegrate!  I shall arrive the same day you return, and we shall cheer him up together,” he winked at her._

Argh! Tenses!!!  Curse you, anachronistic character!

Alright, as stupid as it is to combine Genie, Merlin, and Randolf Morgan into one character, you gotta admit, “Randolf” sounds a lot like “Gandalf”!

Also, I totally don’t have the next installment of Fauna Saga planned already, why do you ask? ;)

 

_Merlin rolled his eyes and scoffed.  He marched over to Ronnie and Professor Stein, “These are priests of the angel FIRESTORM.”_

_“There are no angels named FIRESTORM in the Bible,” protested King Arthur._

_“Maybe you’re reading the wrong version of the Bible, heathen!” quipped Sara._

Lol

 

_King Arthur rolled his eyes, slumped into his hand propped up against an armrest, and groaned, “I suppose next you’ll tell me the minstrel can captivate miscreants into dancing to her tune?”_

_“Don’t be ridiculous, Wart!” Merlin scoffed again. “She changes people to animals.”_

_“Oh, so now you’re asking a witch to aid us? Wonderful!”_

Ironically, witches do have familiars in Pathfinder :) :) :)

Arthur is just so done with the Legends.

 

_“Pardon me, oh wise and marvelous king!” Captain Hunter marched forward until his feet were perched on the first stair towards King Arthur’s throne. “Hermey Ellen is not a witch, she’s fantastic; and so is every last member of my crew!  ....I was just like you once—only requesting their assistance because I needed a job done—but you better respect them or they won’t think twice of taking Excalibur as compensation for your words, and I’ll condone it.”_

_“Then I shall chase you and your crew all across England—nay, across the world—until Excalibur is beside me once more.”_

_“Send all of your horsemen after us, but the sad truth of the matter is, we’ll outlive you and your line.  Your kingdom falls because you let the love in your heart die.  So concerned are you with social reform that you are blind to upheaval in your own home._

Go, Rip!!!

 

_When Carter said he was knighted twice by the same ruler, he meant once by the real King Arthur and once more by Richard Harris’s King Arthur in 1967._

Y’all thought that was just a throwaway line, didn’t you??? :D :D :D

 

_“You know, since Merlin cast me as Lencelot and you as Galahall, technically, this means you’re my son,” Len shouldered Carter amiably._

_“Correct,” Carter’s face lit up with a smile as merry as Christmas.  He nudged Len back, “What would you like for Father’s Day, Daddy?”_

Lol

Hey, look! Carter’s actually doing things after a ton of chapters of doing zilch!

 

_She agreed and transformed Dusto into a beast of burden to do it if Merlin hadn’t called out to them, “Hey! Listen!” And just like that, her violin and bow became Twilight Princess’s version of the Hylian Shield and Master Sword—complete with lasers! “Your instrument shall retain this form for as long as you remain in Camelot.”_

_“Thanks, Merlin!” Hermey beamed from atop Dusto: currently a German shepherd-patterned stallion. “Got anything for the rest of the Legends?”_

_Bam! Everybody’s armor and weaponry became Legend of Zeldafied.  Len, Laurel, and Aldus got Triforce Heroes blue Link hats; Mick, Ronnie, and Martin got Triforce Heroes red Link hats; Kenny, Carter, and Sara got Triforce Heroes yellow Link hats; and Captain Hunter, Dusto, and Hermey got Triforce Heroes green Link hats.  Apparently, everything would go downhill after Cisco introduced Merlin | Randolf Morgan to Windwaker._

Apologies for annoying LoZ fans with **that quote**.  Also, y’all thought the hats were throwaway gags, too, didn’t you???

 

_Thus, their epic quest finally commenced… after gathering rumors/generating hijinks at a tavern, quoting the entirety of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, haggling at a weapon shop, stealing all the shinies, raiding for munchies, ordering pizza from Gideon for later, gathering an arbitrary amount of random crap to cure a helpless peasant’s beloved relation, smashing a domestic abuser’s face in, popularizing an anachronism among the natives, playing minigames, and everything else tabletop gamers do before legitimately beginning a campaign.  It was the most fun Rip had in ages!  Rip was laughing with the Legends instead of at them!!!  He was just as sad as the younger Legends when Len said they really did need to move out now._

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

 

_“Does it give you a paper cut if you’re guided by ambivalence?” leave it to Laurel to find a loophole while they were scoping out the base._

Lol, Laurel ruining the gravitas of a rhyming inscription to lawyer.

 

_King Arthur was pleasantly surprised when the Legends presented the leader’s katana as proof of their success, and Queen Guinevere was pleasantly surprised by Len’s outfit._

Lol


	14. Legends of Tomorrow, Today, & Yesterday Commentary

_“She can borrow my room!” offered Kenny. “I moved in with Carter ages ago.”_

_“Yes, you did....” Laurel drawled with evil eyes lasering Carter’s cheeky grin.  The only good thing about Kenny and Carter sharing a bedroom is they drowned out the jungle of noises booming from Len and Mick’s room.  Laurel had no idea why the universe hated her enough to stick her between both parties, but she was fuckin’ sick of it!_

Lol, poor Laurel

 

_Guilt of what happened to Mick pushed Rip into his chair, “Have I made one right decision on this mission???”_

_“Yes,” Len folded his arms behind his back and steadily prowled over to Rip’s desk. “You learned your mistakes.”_

Aw, poor Rip....

 

_Sara donned her pirate garb, and Laurel donned her ninja garb._

Lol

 

_“Pilgrim will make an excellent partner for Chronos.” Hermey’s eyes widened while she keened from agony.  She tried to shake her head away from him.  He chuckled and stroked her ears back at this futile effort, “The best benefit of immortality is it lets you learn from your mistakes.”_

Holy shit!!!

 

_Pirate Canary, Ninja Canary, Superdog, FIRESTORM, and Aldus_

Lol, all these kickass codenames and Boardman’s stuck with his my-parents-hate-me first name.

 

_The Legends stampeded back onto the Waverider_

With 13 critters all headed to the same destination, is there any way to travel besides stampeding? Nope!

 

_Jonas only left the comfort of his mother to latch onto his father.  Dusto approached Jonas and nudged his hand.  Jonas looked at the dog that nearly dwarfed him.  Dusto barked once and licked him until Jonas released Rip to hug Dusto._

Aw, dog therapy <3

 

_Rip swiveled his chair and addressed his crew with tears in his eyes, “....You helped me saved my family....  Thank you. All of you.” He wiped his eyes, yet just like that, more tears formed. “Oh god, this has been a roller coaster of insanity… but I couldn’t imagine riding it without you.  I apologize for all the pain I caused you and thank you for all the joy you’ve brought me.  Not all of you identify as heroes,” Len and Mick smirked approvingly at this, “but the multiverse is a better place with all you in it.”_

_The Legends blinked at Rip, exchanged looks with each other, and tackled him into a hug._

Awwww….

Also, yay! You survived another HFE commentary!!!

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking time to read this :) enjoy what you do here and everywhere :3


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